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2431 Comedian Quotes

I found out when I did the Oprah Winfrey show that there was a cookie jar of me. So she gave it to me. I had no idea prior to that that it even existed.

Cookie Did Even Existed
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I enjoy taking jobs that make fun of me - or me as Princess Leia, or me as the writer, or whatever, as some idea.

Enjoy Fun Idea Jobs
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I am truly a product of Hollywood in-breeding. When two celebrities mate, someone like me is the result.

Am Celebrities Hollywood I Am
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In the Fifties, my parents were known as 'America's sweethearts'. Their pictures graced the covers of all the newspapers. They were the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston of their day.

America Brad Brad Pitt Covers
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My parents had this incredibly vital relationship with an audience, like muscle with blood. This was the main competition I had for my parents' attention: an audience.

Attention Audience Blood Competition
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I'm in a business where the only thing that matters is weight and appearance. That is so messed up. They might as well say 'Get younger,' because that's how easy it is.

Appearance Because Business Easy
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We treat beauty like an accomplishment, and that is insane. Everyone in L.A. says, 'Oh, you look good,' and you listen for them to say you've lost weight. It's never 'How are you?' or 'You seem happy!'

Accomplishment Beauty Everyone Good
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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Away Flyer Hands Here
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Belt Down Happening Hero
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I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Before Better Could I Wish
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

Asked Banana Friend Frozen
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Become Break Convenience Escalator
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

About Depressing Get Good
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I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Always Because Bought Caring
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I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Addicted Blackjack Gambling Like
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I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Because Brain Brian Call
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People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

Been Dog Dogs He
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This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Clean Dirty Dry Means
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

All Day Backpack Being Bring
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I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Girlfriend Know Mad Me
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A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Foot Severed Stocking Ultimate
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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Been Funny Jokes Me
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Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

Am Go Here I Am
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Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Dogs Forever Push Up
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Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Book Children Every Kid
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I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Especially Fingers I Can Whistle
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Because Boiling Drank Some
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I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Because Days Long Slept
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I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

About Any Car Coming
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

Four Like More More People
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I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

After Again Beans Because
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I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

Bunch Cord Go Hear
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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Cube Ice Ice Cube Last
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I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

Back Funny Normal Remix
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I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Human Once Pyramid Saw
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

Bars Candy Front Fun
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Buy Cake Candle Got
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Cause Down Know Necklace
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I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Cart Four Get Good
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I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Against How Know Show
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I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Adding Fix Gonna Joke
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Any Fingers Had Missing
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If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Draw Kid Kitchen Magnet
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It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Ape Explain Football How
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Because Did Died Fake
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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

Actress Does Gets Got
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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Eat Great Hungry Really
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Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Am Eat How Hungry
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Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Last Last Night Night People
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If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Carrots Drunk Got Rabbits
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