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2431 Comedian Quotes

My parents instilled in me a sense of self that I was more than just a diagnosis or a condition.

Instilled Parents Sense Condition
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My childhood was great because my family has an amazing sense of humor, and it was just all making videos and jokes and doing skits and things.

Videos Childhood Great Family
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I sometimes think that being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the Pill.

Think Come Way Being
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If I'm not interested in a woman, I'm straight-forward. Right after sex, I usually say, 'I can't do this anymore. Thanks for coming over!'

Woman Sex Right Anymore
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Life Rest Impress Keep
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I love doing costumes. The costume is an actor's first line, so it's gotta be right!

Right Love First Line
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If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

Sense Humor Trouble One
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Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, nine if you’re ugly.

Ugly Beauty Sleep Least
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Animals don’t lie. Animals don’t criticize. If animals have moody days, they handle them better than humans do.

Animal Moody Better Human
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I like those touches of chivalry that are fast disappearing. If I sound old-fashioned, it’s because I’m as old as I am! But it’s just polite.

Touch Fast Chivalry Sound
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People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.

Connect People Great Friend
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Mind your own business, take care of your affairs, and don’t worry about other people so much.

People Business Affair Worry
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Friendship takes time and energy if it’s going to work. You can luck into something great, but it doesn’t last if you don’t give it proper appreciation.

Energy Work Great Luck
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A lady likes to be complimented on her looks, her eyes, her figure. But the personality comments are much appreciated.

Lady Look Compliment Eye
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So you may not be as fast on your feet, and the image in your mirror may be a little disappointing, but if you are still functioning and not in pain, gratitude should be the name of the game.

Fast Feet Image Mirror
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Why do people say “grow some balls”? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you wanna be tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

Grow Ball People Weak
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I have no regrets at all. None. I consider myself to be the luckiest old broad on two feet.

Regret None Consider Myself
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It is important that you not believe your own publicity. Be grateful for whatever praise you receive, but take it with a grain of salt.

Impotant Believe Own Publicity
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I just make it my business to get along with people so I can have fun. It’s that simple.

Business Along People Fun
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The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

Worse Call Crazy Dismissive
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The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself especially when everybody is watching

True Hard Thing Yourself
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I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy.

Group Black Every Should
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Things like racism are institutionalized. You might not know any bigots. You feel like

Racism Bigots Feel Hate
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No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it.

Matter Old Answer Phone
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If you don’t have the right people around you and you’re moving at a million miles an hour, you can lose yourself.

Lose People Right Around
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I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.
Famous Today Might Count
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I support anyone’s right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

Support Question Extent Right
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The only way you can know where the line is is if you cross it.

Cross Way Know Line
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The world can’t tell you who you are. You’ve just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

World Figure Worse Better
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When I’m on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that’s the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.

Stage Happy Time Adult
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People don’t know what it’s like standing up there on stage when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

People Wall Stand Stage
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Everyone around me says, “You’re a genius! You’re great! That’s your voice! But I’m not sure if they’re right.

Around Genius Great Voice
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You can become famous but you can’t become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.

Become Famous Unfamous Infamous
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I’m cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

Cool Long Around Love
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If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.
Comedy Teacher Salary Doing
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My wife asked me once if I weren’t a comedian what I would do. I couldn’t answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

Answer Wife Anything Comedian
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I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

Always Become Relationship Leave
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Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

Perfect Parachutes Nobody Mean
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We should never judge a day by its weather.

Judge Never Day Weather
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I'm not against half naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be.

Against Girl Half Like
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I am not a tout; I am an actor.

I Tout Actor Am
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Drinking I Evils Read
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As an actor, I am good at creating different characters.
Actor Different Good Creating
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Comedy is what I love doing and I like to make it as real as possible so that people can relate with it.

Relate People Possible Love
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My aim is to affect people with comedy in a good way.

Good People Affect Aim
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It is important to make your audience believe what they see. People will always have different opinions on things.

Important Audience Always Opinion
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I don’t always place too much emphasis on religion because there were religions before the white men came to Africa.

Africa White Religion Always
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Even though I play the role of a tout, nobody wants to become a tout.

Tout Become Play Role
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I want to be remembered for something positive. It keeps me awake, thinking at night and creating more content.

Positive Content Awake Night
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Calling Ever Getting Hanged
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