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2431 Comedian Quotes

You've gotta understand that with branding and the way things are promoted, in our day and age, your older movie stars are not reachable or accessible because they're not a part of the whole social media world.

Gotta Understand Branding Way
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This younger generation that's around, that's tweeting, Facebooking and Vine-ing, the fans appreciate that because they feel like they can get to you.

This Younger Generation Around
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If you look at me in 'Ride Along,' even though I'm playing two different characters, my demeanor and my tone were not aggressive.

Look Me Ride Along
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I don't write material. Funny things happen to me in the course of a day, and I just make notes.

Write Course Material Funny
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I've known Ben Stiller for a minute. One of my first movies was 'Along Came Polly.'

Known Ben Stiller A
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Girls: If your boyfriend is a good listener….he's probably thinking of something else when you're talking.

Girls Boyfriend Good listener Thinking
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As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Child Menu Choices Leave
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You Don't Need a car to Impress a LAUTECH Girl… Just Wear a Starched Shirt and Hold a Car key

Need Car Impress LAUTECH
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The Only time a Man Can Remember All The girls he had Slept with is ....When his HIV RESULT is delayed.

HIV Girls Slept Delayed
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Why do people feel so entitled in this country? I've not done mine but you want me to do yours?

Country Entitled Mine Yours
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Your boyfriend should not be your source of income. My dear its a relationship, not a job opportunity.

Boyfriend Source Income Relationship
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Call Hour Moves Nothing
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Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Fight Got Lose Never
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The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Amendment Arms Artillery Bear
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I left school and couldn't find acting work, so I started going to clubs where you could do stand-up. I've always improvised, and stand-up was this great release. All of a sudden, it was just me and the audience.

Acting Always Audience Clubs
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I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

Alone End Feel Life
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Being in the same room with people and creating something together is a good thing.

A Good Thing Being Creating Good
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Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'
Nature Party Saying Spring
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Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Cope Crutch Just People
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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Broke Burglar Furniture Gay
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I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Agree Right Sorry Were
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I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
Like Out Pass Ready
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Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Eat No Reason People Reason
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Comedy is acting out optimism.
Acting Comedy Optimism Out
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What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

Else Everything Everything Else Left
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You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Given Little Lose Madness
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No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

Change Change The World Ideas Matter
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People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Alive Dead House Living
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If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Days Every Intense Just
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Baseball Bat Give Give Me
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Okra is the closest thing to nylon I've ever eaten. It's like they bred cotton with a green bean. Okra, tastes like snot. The more you cook it, the more it turns into string.

Bean Bred Closest Closest Thing
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I only ever play Vegas one night at a time. It's a hideous, gaudy place; it may not be the end of the world per se, but you can certainly see it from there.

Certainly End End Of The World Ever
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I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
Audience I Love Kids Love
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In America they really do mythologise people when they die.

America Die People Really
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Look at the walls of Pompeii. That's what got the internet started.

Got Internet Look Started
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You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.

Better Dangerous Forget Idea
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The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
Appealing Having Idea Job
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Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.

Alimony Call Changed Divorce
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Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.

Apartment Canada Great Like
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A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills - no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.

Bad Bomb Feel Make
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I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.
Dogs Good Good Time Had
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Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.

Make Money Movie Sometimes
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In the process of looking for comedy, you have to be deeply honest. And in doing that, you'll find out here's the other side. You'll be looking under the rock occasionally for the laughter.

Comedy Deeply Doing Find
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Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

Cathartic Comedy Deal Personal
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From the point of view of being in the public radar, comedians have less problems than other actors. Action movie stars like Stallone or Schwarzenegger usually attract the more aggressive fans.

Action Action Movie Actor Aggressive
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It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.

About Am Article Bad
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Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.
Between Does Easier Honor
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I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.

Driven High High School Loved
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The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.

Animators Bad Bad Way Cash
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Do I perform sometimes in a manic style? Yes. Am I manic all the time? No. Do I get sad? Oh yeah. Does it hit me hard? Oh yeah.

Am Does Get Hard
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