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2431 Comedian Quotes

If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
Exists Great Great Thing Heaven
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I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.

Born Cycling Everything Hurt
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My mother's idea of natural childbirth was giving birth without makeup. She was hyper-positive - the world is a wonderful place, rainbows and unicorns. If you said anything contrary to her, you were basically exiled.

Anything Basically Birth Childbirth
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Sometimes over things that I did, movies that didn't turn out very well - you go, 'Why did you do that?' But in the end, I can't regret them because I met amazing people. There was always something that was worth it.

Always Amazing Amazing People Because
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The essential truth is that sometimes you're worried that they'll find out it's a fluke, that you don't really have it. You've lost the muse or - the worst dread - you never had it at all. I went through all that madness early on.

Dread Early Essential Find
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Acting is different from stand-up. It gives you this ability to enter into another character, to create another person.

Ability Acting Another Character
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With film roles, it just has to be a character either I haven't done before, or a role with somebody really interesting or with an interesting person or group of people.

Before Character Done Either
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I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.

About Becomes Chris Dead
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I do believe in love; it's wonderful - especially love third time around, it's even more precious; it's kind of amazing.

Amazing Around Believe Even
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I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor.

Actor Character Character Actor Leading
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I met Nelson Mandela, and I really didn't know what to say. It was years ago at a benefit. I was just in awe of this man because of what he'd done.

Awe Because Benefit Done
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I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.

Big Doing Filter Form
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Drink Gave Had Last
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Being Everyone Hates He
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Could Guys Hear Laughing
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Brown Dentist Going He
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Dogs Family Found Looked
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Best Birthday Ever Get
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Broke Fight Game Hockey
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I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Age Fact Food Had
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Fight Full He Hope
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Acting Actor Acts Deals
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Cheats Good Good-Looking Goodness
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Her Interrupt Spoken Want
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Apart Dinner Doing Everything
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Always Found Kid Lot
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Attacked Being Controlled Girl
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Fat Found Hang Look
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Calendar Day Getting Jealousy
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Always Day Did Eye
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Come Day Girl Home
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
Being Draw Men Most
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Get Honest Luck No Respect
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Bartender Beat God He
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Cat Covering Kept Me
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

About Bee Birds Butcher
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Arm Bone Dog Favorite
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Because Call Dog Egypt
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Asked Birth Birth Control Boy
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Halloween Kids Like Looking
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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Afraid Dark Light Me
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Coming Coming Home Door Home
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Chair Dying Electric He
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Fed Friend Liked Me
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

After Born Had I Was Born
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Again Boyfriend Broke Her
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Around Came Carries Father
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Dog Drink Glass Kisses
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Coming Drinking Going Juice
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Ask Big Get How
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