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2431 Comedian Quotes

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

Any Been Big Day
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And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
Everything Got No Reason Reason
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Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

Brainy Depressive Fry Know
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I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

Anything Awards Get Many
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I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

Busy Corner Go Mean
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It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

About Annoyed Each Get
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I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?

Future Just Just Do It Know
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I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

Adult Brilliantly Car Drive
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At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.

About Brainy Cause Day
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The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

Atheists Criminals Death Either
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I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

About Bad Bad People Before
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Chinese people age overnight.

Age Chinese Chinese People Overnight
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People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.

Answer Door Glass Houses
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I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

Annoys Being Found Happy
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I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

Away Challenged Change Just
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If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

Argument Away Because Girlfriend
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I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

About Changed Even Learnt
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I've never worried about life's big questions.
About Big Big Questions Life
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With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

Always Changing Evolution Growing
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I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

Bottles Coming Down Go
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People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

Alone Chickens Duck Ducks
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I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

Good Good Parent Honest Parent
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Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.
Bit Gone Pirates Quiet
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Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

Comedy Hard Know Really
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I don't know what 'famous' is, really.

Famous Is Know Really
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I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

Cave Live Palace Rather
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If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

Bath Chunks Documented Sit
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For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

About Good Holiday Me
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I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

Because Better Dream Expectations
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If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.
Day Doing Error Every
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Back Cause Circus Got
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The status quo sucks.
Quo Status Status Quo Sucks
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Think off-center.

Think
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Electricity Just Lightning Organized
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Ask Dream Go Never
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

America Born Freak Front
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Anybody Anyone Driving Ever
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Care Desperate Don't Care People
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Future Immediate Only Past
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon Nights Only Silent
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Moon Nights Only Silent
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Become Confused Evil Forces
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Before Does Get Mean You
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Belief Die Gets Goes
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Close Done Enough Existence
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Amount Caused Death Long
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always Bathroom Closest Death
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Authority Believe Just Many
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Away Better Building Doctor
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

About Break Breaking Concerned
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