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2431 Comedian Quotes

Whenever I walk out on a stage, I'm begging for affection.

Affection Begging Out Stage
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Greed is so destructive. It destroys everything.

Destroys Destructive Everything Greed
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I am the last of the Mohicans, the creme de la creme of cabaret.

Am Cabaret I Am La
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I wouldn't bother to describe me. I'm Eartha Kitt.

Bother Personalty Describe Me
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Even as a child, I found a way to survive.

Child Even Found Survive
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Maybe subconsciously I feel I was meant to work hard for a living.

Feel Hard I Feel Living
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I love to tease men with my legs.

I Love Legs Love Men
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I love men and I like to get their attention.

Attention Get I Love Like
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Innocence is one of the most exciting things in the world.

Exciting Exciting Things Innocence Most
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I am a mother and I know the feeling of having a baby come out of my gut.

Baby Come Feeling Gut
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You don't have to hit anybody on the head to be sexy.

Anybody Head Hit Sexy
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I used to love it when I walked down the street and construction workers would whistle.

Construction Down Love Street
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I stayed on my own path and did not follow the herd. I made a way for myself.

Did Follow Herd Made
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The audience has always been my best director.
Always Audience Been Best
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Generally the whole entertainment business now is bland.

Bland Business Entertainment EntertainmentBusiness
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I don't think I ever really got interested in theater.

Ever Got Interested Really
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If you're looking for immediate rewards, you're only looking for the money.

Immediate Looking Money Only
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I am the original 'Material Girl.'

Am Girl I Am Material
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I have to keep testing myself.

Keep Myself Have Testing
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I was an illegitimate, well, I still am an illegitimate child.

Am Child Illegitimate Still
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I have a great need for affection from an audience. I don't know whether this is because I had such a tough life when I was a child.

Affection Audience Because Child
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I'm an orphan. But the public has adopted me, and that has been my only family. The biggest family in the world is my fans.

Adopted Been Biggest Family
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I had almost three acres of land in Beverly Hills. And I had a big atrium of chickens because I love that feeling of being in the country and living from the soil.

Acres ABecause Being Beverly
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I think it's fun to look at people with big diamonds. I see them in my audience all the time, with the fur coat, a woman whose hand is always out front, or the two fingers are on the cheek to show her diamond. I don't have anything against that.

Against Always Anything Audience
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Pet Petty Sweat Sweaty
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If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
Something tonight Sorry Tomorrow Morning
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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Kick Person Pants Responsible
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A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Self-taught Man Usually Poor
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

School His dog Separated Dog
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You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Buy Love Pay Heavily.
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Doctor Broke Two places Quit
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To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
After An Cat Easy
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I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

About Amount Fish Goes
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But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

Day End End Of The Day Idiot
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I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

Before Die Dolphin Idea
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A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.
Always Insect Lonely Own
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When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

Abroad Been Exactly Flying
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I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

Any Changed Exciting Invited
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I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

Bad Bad Weather Came Covered
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I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

Got Loads Nephews Nieces
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You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

Bit Cups Got Just
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It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.
Being Home Joke Like
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I just sort of go along and say what I think -and that's all you can do in life, really.

Along Go I Think Just
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The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

About Book Comfortable Days
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Comedy's really subjective, you know.

Comedy Know Really Subjective
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If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

Books Don Everything Five
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When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

Ask Books Couple Done
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I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

About Bad Doing Experience
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Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

Buy Came Challenge Did
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That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

Bald Exaggerate Having Head
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