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2431 Comedian Quotes

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Feed Me Mother Shot
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Bartender Her Me Psychiatrist
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Father Finger He I Remember
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Cigarette General He Me
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Asleep Blind Blind Man Day
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Bath Could Hated Me
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Another Came Cement Felt
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Happy Met Then Were
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Born Doctor I Was Born Mother
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Chocolate Cook Got Made
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I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

Know Only Other Pieces
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If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

Away Caused Just Laughter
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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

Idea Once Only People
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Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

Anything Aspirations Because Between
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He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
Happily He His Married
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The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

Between Burns Difference Longer
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When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

Appearance Head Her Improves
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I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

Children Making Necessary Parents
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I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

Back Daylight Going Hour
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My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

Caught Cure Died Disease
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I'm a dirt person. I trust the dirt. I don't trust diamonds and gold.
Diamonds Dirt Gold Person
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I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma.

Am Diploma I Am Learning
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My recipe for life is not being afraid of myself, afraid of what I think or of my opinions.

Afraid Being Being Afraid I Think
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Let's take care of the necessities first: give people jobs, and find a way to get us out of poverty.
Care Find First Get
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The public has become my fairy godmother.

Become Fairy Godmother Public
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I was given away. If your mother gives you away, you think everybody who comes into your life is going to give you away.

Away Everybody Give Given
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I punish myself more than anybody else does if I am stupid about my actions, and I suffer, really suffer.

About Actions Am Anybody
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Having my animals or my children with me exorcises that feeling of not being wanted.

Animals Being Children Feeling
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I never take anything for granted. I may slip any minute.

Any Anything Granted May
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I used to teach dance lessons.

Dance Lessons Teach Used
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You don't move just because you want to go from this point to that point - the body has to be using the words as well as you vocally use the words.

Because Body Go Just
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My house was bugged. They couldn't find any information on me being a subversive because I happen to love America; I just don't like some of the things the government is doing.

America Any Because Being
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When the people who are responsible for our country ask you a direct question, I expect them to accept a direct answer, not to be blackballed because you are telling the truth.

Accept Answer Ask Because
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When we want to have our own style of living, it is nobody's business but ours. What we do in private is our private business.

Business Living Nobody Our
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Just because you are different does not mean that you have to be rejected.

Because Different Does Just
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Don't depend on other people to be responsible for you. Don't make yourself stressed out over nonsensical things like material things.

Depend Like Make Material
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Jewelry, to me, is a pain in the derriere, because you have to be watching it all the time.
Because Jewelry Me Pain
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I've always said to my men friends, If you really care for me, darling, you will give me territory. Give me land, give me land.

Always Care Darling Friends
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We're not thought of in terms of color because we are entertainers. We are there to entertain you not because we are black, white, pink, or green or gay or straight or because we are Catholic or Protestant.

Because Black Catholic Color
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Live theater to me is much more free than the movies or television.
Free Liv Live Theater Me
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This is where you see the truth of entertainment, because it is not edited. You see it on stage as it is happening. Even if we fall down or forget our words, it's a part of live entertainment.

Because Down Edited Entertainment
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Orson Welles was one of these people who was defying everything the doctors told him he wasn't supposed to be doing. He was really enjoying himself when he was eating what he wanted to eat.

Defying Doctors Doing Eat
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Dr. Einstein was not successful in school, but he found something in the air from his own imagination and his own brain power, and look what he did.

Air BrPower Did Dr
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In essence, I'm a sophisticated cotton picker.

Cotton Essence Sophisticated
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People in general are used to seeing me as the naughty girl because that's what they've always cast me as.

Always Because Cast General
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I've always been multi-cultural myself. I'm not black and I'm not white and I'm not pink and I'm not green. Eartha Kitt has no color, and that is how barriers are broken.

Always Barriers Been Black
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Aging has a wonderful beauty and we should have respect for that.

Aging Beauty Respect Should
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I do think that same gender partners should be able to be married. Why not? If you share a life together than who in the world should have anything to say about it?

Able About Anything Gender
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I was a street dancer.

Dancer A Street Career
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I don't wear my political feelings on my sleeve. However, if I'm asked, I will answer honestly.

Answer Asked Feelings Honestly
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