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2431 Comedian Quotes

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Always Comic Comic Strips First
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

All Day Always Day Got
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Candle Edison Electric Electric Light
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Been Dust Established Example
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Always Delivering Eulogy Listening
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Allowed Anything I Think Maybe
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Another Audience Audience Members Become
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Began Disease Got I Think
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Argument Ate Every Family
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Both Certain Church Church And State
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Group Guy Member Nailed
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Crime Fight Fighters Fire
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Floor Tequila Three Two
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Arrange Beat Beaten Them
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Religion is just mind control.
Control Just Mind Religion
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism Organization
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Always do whatever's next.

Always Next Whatever
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Concealing Language Large Tool
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Area Deserted Know Like
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Charge Could Find Him
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Foot Hands Life Step
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Cynical Disappointed Every Idealist
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

About Fewer Good Know
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Bar Candy Chocolate Eating
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Accept Answers Myself Only
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Bad Bad Girls Because Girl
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
About Did Going Know
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Enough Enough Money Fired Get
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'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

Am Could English English Language
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If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Alone Little Low Our
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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Asked Bookstore Defeat Me
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
About Bible Dawned Exam
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So Lord Lugard's girlfriend named our country Nigeria! See why girlfriends are as powerful as wives in this country?

Girlfriend Powerful Wives Country
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For me, hipsterism is for one to appropriate the codes of a social class or another milieu that wasn't theirs originally, in order to define their personality through something different and unique. Which is why a lot of hipsters live downtown, and they're dressed as farmers. Then you have the Oscar Wilde hipster: the dandy.

Hipsterism Codes Social Originality
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I was a very violent kid. I think movies and writing and art have been a way of channeling this.
Violent Writing Art
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I've been recording forever. I'm a watcher. I'm a stalker. I love everything about people. It's always been a passion for me to observe.

Recording Watcher Passion People
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No one knows me in the States because the movies have been released in such an awkward, irregular fashion, all by different distributors. There is no continuity.

Movies Awkward Irregular Fashion
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Film-making is not liberating. It drains a lot out of you, and it's fulfilling only temporarily. It's a very thankless thing at times. When you're spending all that time on a film, you don't want 40,000 people to see it - it's just not enough. You dream of more.

Liberating Fulfilling Dream
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Cinema is a thankless industry where sometimes to appear on the cinematic scenery is a thing for late bloomers and people who are very patient. The places are accounted, and the space is often unwelcoming. Money is rare, and independent voices are muted by the almost complete absence of risk takers.

Cinema Thankless Industry Appear
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I don't personally do movies for myself and a faction of very cerebral cinephiles - I do it for everybody and wish for the largest amount of people to relish whatever they find they can relish in.

Personally Faction Movie Ciniphiles
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The nature and the DNA of IMAX has been redefined in the past years to shoot these huge blockbusters. But I think that it's not the sole purpose of IMAX to capture cars exploding in your face.

Nature DNA IMAX Redefined
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I design all of the costumes for my movies, actually.
Design Costumes Movies
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I plough all my money into my next film, so I never actually have any money. It's always invisible.
Film Money Plough Invisible
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It's become a habit to make films where the father is absent. My father impresses me, but the father figure does not.

Habit Films Father Absent
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The problems I have with a flawed script are always revealed in the editing room.
Flawed Script Revealed Editing
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I played, like, a year of piano until I learned the 'Pink Panther' theme. That was my goal. Once I was good enough, I quit. Now my music has to have some rock.

Enough Goal Good I Quit
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The movie Spinal Tap rocked my world. It's for rock what The Sound of Music was for hills. They really nailed how dumb rock can be.

Dumb Hills How Movie
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There's nothing you can really do to prepare to rock. Do you prepare to eat a delicious meal? Are you hungry? Then you're gonna eat it.

Delicious Eat Gonna Hungry
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When I was a kid, I thought I was the strongest man in the world. Then, the fastest runner and then the smartest person in the world. One by one my delusions got shut down. Now I just see myself as the lamest guy in the world.

Delusions Down Fastest Got
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When it's a bad movie you want to release it quietly. You try to keep it a secret like an STD.

Bad Bad Movie Keep Like
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