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"54 George Carlin Quotes & Sayings

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Born: 12 May 1937. Died: 22 June 2008 | Comedian | Actor |

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

Answer Accept Reason Only
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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Pet Petty Sweat Sweaty
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Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Back Cause Circus Got
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The status quo sucks.
Quo Status Status Quo Sucks
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Think off-center.

Think
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Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Electricity Just Lightning Organized
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Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Ask Dream Go Never
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When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

America Born Freak Front
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Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Anybody Anyone Driving Ever
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People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Care Desperate Don't Care People
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There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Future Immediate Only Past
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There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Moon Nights Only Silent
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Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
Moon Nights Only Silent
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May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Become Confused Evil Forces
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What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Before Does Get Mean You
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Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Belief Die Gets Goes
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The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Close Done Enough Existence
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Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Amount Caused Death Long
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At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always Bathroom Closest Death
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I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

Authority Believe Just Many
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I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

Away Better Building Doctor
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I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

About Break Breaking Concerned
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In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
Always Comic Comic Strips First
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When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

All Day Always Day Got
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When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

Candle Edison Electric Electric Light
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Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Been Dust Established Example
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I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Always Delivering Eulogy Listening
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I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Allowed Anything I Think Maybe
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Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Another Audience Audience Members Become
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I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

Began Disease Got I Think
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The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Argument Ate Every Family
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I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Both Certain Church Church And State
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I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Group Guy Member Nailed
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Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Crime Fight Fighters Fire
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One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Floor Tequila Three Two
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If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Arrange Beat Beaten Them
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Religion is just mind control.
Control Just Mind Religion
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Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism Organization
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Always do whatever's next.

Always Next Whatever
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By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Concealing Language Large Tool
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One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Area Deserted Know Like
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If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Charge Could Find Him
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When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
Foot Hands Life Step
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Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Cynical Disappointed Every Idealist
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

About Fewer Good Know
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You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Bar Candy Chocolate Eating
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The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Accept Answers Myself Only
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Bad Bad Girls Because Girl
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Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
About Did Going Know
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Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Enough Enough Money Fired Get
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George Carlin Quotes & Sayings