Menu

 Authors
A B C D E F
G H I J K L
M N O P Q R
S T U V W S
Y Z
Get Socialize
My Account
Make Free Wallpaper

2431 Comedian Quotes

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Car Home Leave Machine
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Kid Store Toy Train
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Box Child Eventually Had
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Autobiography Writing
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Books Children Few Purpose
  Favorite Make wallpaper

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Argument Considered Got Long
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Busted Five Get Got
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Anything Buy General Me
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Car Clown Died Funeral
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Above Apartment Furious Live
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Country Cross Great Live
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Chain Dollar Everybody Fax
  Favorite Make wallpaper

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Alaska Got Missing Moved
  Favorite Make wallpaper

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Afraid Heights Lot Me
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Buying Clothes Escalator Girl
  Favorite Make wallpaper

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

People Power Store Trapped
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Cord Extension Invented
  Favorite Make wallpaper

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Makes Meant Friend Noises
  Favorite Make wallpaper

How young can you die of old age?

Age Die How Old
  Favorite Make wallpaper

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Always Matter Room Temperature
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Advertising Executive Only Saw
  Favorite Make wallpaper

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Book Down Intend Laid
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Arrived Be Happy Choose Day
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Book Educational Find Go
  Favorite Make wallpaper

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Ask Crook Find He
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Bedfellows Does Make Marriage
  Favorite Make wallpaper
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Bed Hospital Meter Running
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Like Others Principles Them
  Favorite Make wallpaper

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Father Got He Her
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Always believe that you can create something for yourself, believe that you can make things happen.

Believe Create Happen Things
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Do something for yourself and try to create an impact. Let your passion be well expressed and every other thing will follow.

Yourself Create Impact Passion
  Favorite Make wallpaper

The secret is not for you to venture into business because you think people are making money. You need to do your research. You also need to have an understanding of finance.

Secret Venture Business Making money
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When you want to attract people to buy a product, they must have a certain level of likeness for the product.

People Product Likeness Attract
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I thought I couldn't afford to take her out and smoke as well. So I gave up cigarettes. Then I took her out and one day I looked at her and thought: 'Oh well,' and I went back to smoking again, and that was better.

Afford Again Back Better
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.

Girl Grand Like Pianos
  Favorite Make wallpaper

What we've discovered is that Americans seem to love our saucy humor.

American Discovered Humor Love
  Favorite Make wallpaper

If you can mix glamor and gags, then you can catch the audience twice over.

Audience Catch Mix Over
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I sometimes use a girl singer the way Henny Youngman uses his violin - as a bridge between one laugh and the next.

Between Bridge Girl Laugh
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I'm single. I don't have a family. I certainly don't have to work. I don't want to be the richest man in the cemetery.

Cemetery Certainly Family Man
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I don't do something I won't enjoy just for the money. I do it for the fun, for the joy of working.

Enjoy Fun Joy Just
  Favorite Make wallpaper

A man who fails is funny... if my sketches teach anything, it is that, for the male, sex is a snare and a delusion. What's so corrupting about that?

Anything Delusion Fails Funny
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I don't covet images or belongings. My television set and video are rented, any paintings aren't worth a fortune, and money is of little interest.

Covet Fortune Images Interest
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When things are a disappointment, try not to be so discouraged.

Disappointment Discouraged Things Try
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Adolescence is just one big walking pimple.
Adolescence Big Just Pimple
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When you have a dream, you've got to grab it and never let go.

Dream Got Grab Never
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Comedy is tragedy - plus time.
Comedy Plus Time Tragedy
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Well, I don't know how astute I am, but I did want to be a journalist when I was growing up.

Growing Journalist Know Want
  Favorite Make wallpaper

The American people hit the streets and did something that the government wouldn't do: the Civil Rights Act. It didn't go down well with the corporate world.

American Civil Corporate Down
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

Advise Men Never Successful
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I learned everything that I know about comedy and about show business and a lot about life from Carl.

Business Comedy Everything Life
  Favorite Make wallpaper