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"41 Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings

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Born: 6 December 1955 | Comedian | Actor | Writer |

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Think Past Bring Many
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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Deeper Grow Happen How
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Breakfast French Ordered Restaurant
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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Paint Small Want World
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If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Light Spaceship Speed Traveling
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Many Memories Past Think
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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Casual Circus Guy Head
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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Arms Heads Museums Other
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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Different Fingers Hand
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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

About Dictionary Everything Poem
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I like to reminisce with people I don't know

People Know Reminisce
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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Batteries Bought Included Some
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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Almost Back Coffee Instant
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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction

Body Die Fiction Leaving
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What's another word for Thesaurus?

Another Thesaurus Word
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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Existential Here Map Over
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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Announcer Bridge George Hear
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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Behind Brake Car Gas
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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Headlights Lights Like Looks
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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Car Dizzy Driving Got
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Car Home Leave Machine
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When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Kid Store Toy Train
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Box Child Eventually Had
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I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Autobiography Writing
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I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Books Children Few Purpose
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In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Argument Considered Got Long
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Busted Five Get Got
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Anything Buy General Me
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I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Car Clown Died Funeral
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Above Apartment Furious Live
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Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Country Cross Great Live
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Chain Dollar Everybody Fax
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The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Alaska Got Missing Moved
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Afraid Heights Lot Me
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Buying Clothes Escalator Girl
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

People Power Store Trapped
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I invented the cordless extension cord.

Cord Extension Invented
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Makes Meant Friend Noises
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How young can you die of old age?

Age Die How Old
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It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Always Matter Room Temperature
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Advertising Executive Only Saw
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Steven Wright Quotes & Sayings