Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Demetri Martin

Because Confusing Die Fun

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It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

W. C. Fields

Choice Itself Make You

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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

Exactly Like Sex Some

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The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields

Cure Get Insomnia

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The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W. C. Fields

Another Dollar Gone Living

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Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

Fields Here Lies Living

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I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Everyone Free Hate

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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

W. C. Fields

Day Every Get Off

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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

Betting Horse Keeps People

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I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

Also Bottle Case Handy

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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

W. C. Fields

Man Money Nothing Poor

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Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

Against Always Anybody Hell

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If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

About Again Being Damn

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Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields

Elephants Look Own Want

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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

Cook Even Food Sometimes

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Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

W. C. Fields

Both Favorable Head Pocket

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A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

Decency Drink Drove Even

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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

Also Always Case Handy

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W. C. Fields

Children Fried Like

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I drink therefore I am.

W. C. Fields

Drink Therefore

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I never met a kid I liked.

W. C. Fields

Kid Liked Met Never

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It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields

Allow His Keep Money

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Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W. C. Fields

Closed Last Philadelphia Week

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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W. C. Fields

Cork Lunch Out Some

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Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

W. C. Fields

Animals Anyone Bad Children

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Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

W. C. Fields

Actor Actress Devil Great

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I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming

W. C. Fields

Afraid Become Drink Never

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I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

W. C. Fields

Drink Never Stuff Water

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It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W. C. Fields

Courtesy Drink Drove Had

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I'd rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools.

Jack Black

King Kids Prince Fools

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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Jack Black

You Never Underestimate Power

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Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

Deeper Grow Happen How

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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

Breakfast French Ordered Restaurant

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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

Paint Small Want World

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If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

Light Spaceship Speed Traveling

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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

Many Memories Past Think

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I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Steven Wright

Casual Circus Guy Head

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I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

Arms Heads Museums Other

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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright

Different Fingers Hand

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I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Steven Wright

About Dictionary Everything Poem

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I like to reminisce with people I don't know

Steven Wright

People Know Reminisce

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I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Wright

Batteries Bought Included Some

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I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Steven Wright

Almost Back Coffee Instant

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When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction

Steven Wright

Body Die Fiction Leaving

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What's another word for Thesaurus?

Steven Wright

Another Thesaurus Word

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I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Steven Wright

Existential Here Map Over

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George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Steven Wright

Announcer Bridge George Hear

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Steven Wright

Behind Brake Car Gas

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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

Headlights Lights Like Looks

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I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Steven Wright

Car Dizzy Driving Got

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2431 Comedian Quotes

Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Demetri Martin

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W. C. Fields

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with

W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

W. C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

W. C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.

W. C. Fields

I never met a kid I liked.

W. C. Fields

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

W. C. Fields

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W. C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W. C. Fields

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

W. C. Fields

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming

W. C. Fields

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

W. C. Fields

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W. C. Fields

I'd rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools.

Jack Black

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

Jack Black

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

Steven Wright

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Steven Wright

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright