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"50 Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings

      American     /     View profile
Born: May 25, 1973. | Comedian | Actor | Film director | Cartoonist | Musician |

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, ' I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Sorry Same Apologize Funeral
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If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

Calling Ever Getting Hanged
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Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is.

Because Confusing Die Fun
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Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another Bad Bad Breath Balloon
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Computer Honest Laugh More
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Am Buy Everything Good
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Because Disposal Garbage Out
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Dangerous Driver Drunk He
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Fat Spoon Tell Then
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A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Candy Garbage Give Give Me
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Because Camera Digital Great
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Attack Game Heart Time
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Alone Cologne I Think Interesting
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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Back Certain Just Keep
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Guess Said Saw T-Shirt
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Comfortable Gets Less Like
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Am Else Guy He
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Both Employee Example Good
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Fat Friend Only You
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Actual Asked Clothing Lady
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Bee Bird Child Door
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Ever Nothing Printed Wise
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I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

About Catching Feeling Happen
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But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Actor Because Comedy Doing
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I Love Ideas Jokes Love
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Audience Doing Feedback Front
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

About Across Around Come
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Avoid Places Politics Ropes
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I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

First Found Interesting Law
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

A Good Thing Because Disappointing Disapproval
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I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

High High School I Love Lot
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Actor All Time As Far As Far
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

College Either Government History
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

Association Bar Council Even
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Always Done Excited Something
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I never set out to do a sketch show.

Never Out Set Show
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To me, comedy is a game.

Comedy A Game Me
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Boat Choice Choosing Enjoyable
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For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

About Before Church Come
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But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Boldly Direction Dreams Figured
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And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Being Day Forward Looking
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I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Being Comedy Fan Going
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Away Because Fun Funny
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Day Dreaming Find Funny
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Always Because California Kid
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Acting Direct Fun Have Fun
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People only have so much attention.

Attention Much Much Attention Only
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

College Finish Fit Get
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And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Any Course Had Jobs
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Funny I Think Kid Me
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Demetri Martin Quotes & Sayings