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2431 Comedian Quotes

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Assume Else Every Every Time
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It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Because Cocky Dangerous Hands
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I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Blocking Business Came Casino
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Like Long Walk People
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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Imitation Sincerest Form Television
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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Learned Well Graduated Sued
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Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.

Life Estimation Biological Misadventure
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Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.

Television Device Permits People
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I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

Understand Person Years Write
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Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

Treat Employees Partners Act
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The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

First Time Church Hundred
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It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.

Probably Love World Mutually
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A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

Gentleman Woman Hat
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A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Celebrity Person Hard Life
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The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Last Time Walking Lover's-lane
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We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

Machine Age Time History
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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

Father Raised Children Self-defense
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Your talent will always bring you out.

Talent Always Bring You
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If you marry another man's wife, you are finished.
Marry Wife You Finished
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If you are romantic, it constitutes everything that transpires between you and a woman, whether she is your girlfriend or not.

Romantic Transpires Woman Man
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Nigerians greet a lot

Nigerians Greet A lot
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If you hate, your own business will not grow. If you love yourself and love your neighbour your business will grow.

Hate Business Love Will grow
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When you talk about romance, the average man thinks of making love to a woman, but it is not so.

Romance Thinks Making love Woman
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Your friend is doing something and you like what he or she is doing but it is not in you, don’t push yourself into doing it because the result may not be satisfactory.

Friend Push yourself Doing Result
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Whatever you are doing, anything you want to do, focus on it, don't deviate.
Focus Deviate Anything Whatever
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If you don’t have passion for a particular career, do not venture into it.

Passion Career Venture You
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You have to separate Paul from Barnabas. When the real me is talking, you will hear a very tactical person, but when the idiot in the movie is talking, you are seeing mumu

Separate Paul Mumu Tactical
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You must be a good liar before you can pretend.

Good liar Pretend You Must
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If you do a job and your fans out there are criticising you, it is not a pass mark.

Fans Criticising Job Pass mark
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him

Man Control Fate Women
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Intend Live Forever Die
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Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Please Accept Resignation Club
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Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Speak Something Important Say
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Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage Wonderful Institution Wants
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Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Wives People Feel Dance
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I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Feeling Well Doctor Immediately
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I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Worked Way Up Nothing
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All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

People Born Alike Republicans
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My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Mother Loved Given Anything
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Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me.

Why Care Posterity Done
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Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Getting Problem Live Long
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Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Believe Me Your Own
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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Morning Shot Elephant Pajamas
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I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Must Confess Born Early
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I felt a little green, because Shakespeare writes the thought process within the text; it was tricky not to think of what to say and then say it, and instead just deliver the lines.

Because Deliver Felt Green
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I have more artistic control in a smaller show. But it doesn't really matter. Sometimes you can have the smallest role in the smallest production and still make a big impact.

Artistic Big Big Impact Control
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I'm a games and theory kind of guy. I love puzzles, so it was fun dissecting Shakespeare's prose.

Fun Games Guy I Love
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I'm in a play on Broadway, I have an animated TV show coming up, I have a few movies that just came out.

Animated Broadway Came Coming
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Men have brain, women have connection.

Men Brain Women Connection
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When you are pretentious, there is no way you won’t get into trouble. So be true to yourself.

Pretentious Trouble True
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