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2431 Comedian Quotes

I've always just talked to my family and my friends. I've never been a person that's gone through excessive therapy at all. Some people might say that I should.

Always Been Excessive Family
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What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian,What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die. and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.

Keeps Going Comedian Fish
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The world is a scary place. Even my mother has suggested I take a self defense class.
World Scary Mother Suggested
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I love actors and I feel like, if you usually allow people some say, most people, if they start to feel comfortable, they're going to have a voice. If they feel heard, then they will give back 10 times as much to you.

Actor Allow Back Comfortable
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I think too many people look at the arts with a religious outlook. Arts, music, singing and performing, it's all make-believe.

Arts IThink Look Make-Believe
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I could keep trying to do the same kind of comedies. You know how it's going to go, and you can get an audience with it, but then I feel like a hamster on a wheel.

Audience Comedies Could Feel
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I probably follow all sports a little bit. I like hockey quite a bit. I like football. I like college basketball when it gets down to March Madness. I like baseball. I enjoy them all. I watch them all.

Baseball Basketball Bit College
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I've been lucky to work with people that I like most of the time. If I don't like them, I'll play head games with them to get their minds spinning

Been Games Get Head
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If an ordinary person parks outside another ordinary person's house for a week, it's considered stalking. If, however, that person is considered newsworthy, it's perfectly legal for paparazzi to do the same thing.

Another Considered House However
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The thing about Chicago is that it really isn't like any other place. The architecture and the layout of the city are the best. I'm from the Midwest, and consider myself a Midwesterner. I feel most at home there. I love California. I have great friends in California. I just have always considered Illinois to be home.

About Always Any AnyOtherPlace
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My mother always told me that you should have one room in your house where you celebrate all of your achievements. You shouldn't have them spread throughout.

Achievements Always Celebrate House
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At a certain point, I had so much artwork that I decided to respect the art and present them in a nice way, not just on a dusty shelf.

Art Artwork Certain Certain Point
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You're never going to please 100 percent of women.
Going Never Percent Please
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No matter who you date, people are going to make fun of them, jealous people are going to say stuff, people get creepy - all the things that come with the public eye.

Come Creepy Date Eye
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My family is funny. I think you're born with the gene.

Born Family Funny Gene
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When all my girlfriends were watching 'ER,' I was watching episodes of 'Kids in the Hall.'

Episodes Girlfriends Hall Kids
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What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.

Am Comedian Die Fish
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There's a way to express femininity and independence and strength without going for hanging fruit.
Express Femininity Fruit Going
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I prefer social politics to politics.
Politics Government Prefer Social
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When I started my career, I started with black comics: Bruce Bruce, Mark Curry, Bill Bellamy. It takes all kinds of influences.

Bill Black Bruce Career
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Getting to prove yourself in a room that's not your typical demo is an experience every comic should try. It makes you better.

Better Comic Demo Every
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I was always rewarded for being funny. I liked being funny.

Always Being Being Funny Funny
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My whole life, I knew that I was going to be funny for a living.
Funny Going Knew Life
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My comedy is a bit cartoonlike, if I really think about it.

About Bit Comedy Really
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The women who are pool waitresses are another worldly species. They're half-desert lizards. They never have sunburns.

Another Never Pool Species
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I've do a lot of USO shows and do whatever I can to support the military.

I Can Lot Military Shows
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Standup is a tough job and a gritty job.

Gritty Job Standup Tough
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I'm always looking for bigger audiences and bigger stages. Really, however I can reach my fans is what will make me happy - well, I'll actually probably never be happy.

Actually Always Audiences Be Happy
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I'm going to die unhappy. That's how artists roll!
Artists Die Going How
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I believe in always having a lot of irons in the fire.

Always Believe Fire Having
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My hair is just like five pieces of very soft straw that needs managing. I touch my hair a lot, and that makes it crazy.

Crazy Five Hair Just
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It's always nice to be paid to be in Las Vegas.

Always Las Vegas Nice Paid
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Whenever I play Las Vegas, they always give you a suite, and it's really nice, and it always comes with a large bathtub.

Always Bathtub Give Large
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I've built a career on evenly entertaining men and women. And I'm kind of known for not making either side feel bad.

Bad Built Career Either
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Getting on stage and screaming at all Republicans does nothing more than isolate people.
Does Getting Isolate More
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I think people have to understand that 'empowering' for women doesn't mean negating men.

Empowering I Think Mean Men
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My passion in life isn't politics. It truly is connecting to people and women.

Connecting Life Passion People
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You can make people laugh, but having them really want to hear what you have to say, that takes trust and time.

Having Hear Laugh Make
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I've never been a dirty comic.
Been Comic Dirty Never
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Everybody has their cross to bear, and everybody has their issues. But it still never once occurred to me that I'm not as good as everyone else. And that's a gift I wish I could give to every girl.

Bear Could Cross Else
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My only agenda is trying to make you laugh and say something smart.

Agenda Laugh Make Only
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As women, and as people, we're often forced to choose between pop culture and tearing down celebrities or a show about politics.

About Between Celebrities Choose
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I've never been the kind of woman that hates other women, particularly based on their attractiveness.

Based Been Hates Kind
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It's only through aging and going through heartbreak and loss and successes and failures that you can look back and look at the mistakes some young people make.

Aging Back Failures Going
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I would tell my 23-year-old self to be friends with more comics.

Comics Friends More Self
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You can hate me for being a woman, you can hate me for being smart, you can hate me for being funny, but you hate me because I am doing something you could never do. End of story.

Am Because Being Being Funny
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I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.
Been Comedy Entertaining Many
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I think more than anything, as a comedian, I grow tired of the unoriginality of 'crazy cat lady' jokes. It's a hacky joke based on an already-played-out stereotype.

Anything Base Cat Comedian
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To be labeled pathetic because you enjoy the company of a loving creature who is always down to hang out, sleep, and eat with you is unfair.

Always Because Company Creature
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Unfortunately, we don't live in a society where you can say whatever you want, and there will be no repercussions. Pick and choose your battles. I think that's the key.

Battles Choose I Think Key
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