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2431 Comedian Quotes

When are American Jews going to realize that the Republican Party is far better for Israel than the Democrats?

American Better Democrats Far
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Israel being condemned by the EU, which 66 years ago watched with glee as its Jews were being mass murdered. That is pretty rich.

Being Condemned EU Glee
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Usually I am not a conspiracy theorist. I don't believe in the Bilderbergers as a conspiracy or the Trilateralists. But I am certain that the Communists killed JFK. There is a super great book called 'Legend' by Edward Jay Epstein that makes it all perfectly clear.

Am Believe Book Certain
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I am so in love with just lying in bed listening to Mozart.

Am Bed IAm Just
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As Beverly Hills becomes more Iranian-Jewish, it is becoming politically conservative.
Becomes Becoming Beverly BeverlyHills
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I am about to vote. I am about to do something that human beings are rarely allowed to do. I am doing something that did not exist until America.

About Allowed Am America
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I thought that all of the sacrifices and blessings of the whole history of mankind have devolved upon me. Thank you, God.

Blessings God History Mankind
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This is my life. I love it.
ILove Life Love MyLife
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I love sleeping in a moving car more than sleeping in bed.

Bed Car ILove Love
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My 'thing' is that I just lie in my immense bed and look out the window at the skyline over Virginia and the sky and the airplanes coming into Reagan. I really love doing that.

Airplane Bed Coming Doing
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Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.

Another Bad Bad Breath Balloon
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Computer Honest Laugh More
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I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.
Am Buy Everything Good
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Because Disposal Garbage Out
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Dangerous Driver Drunk He
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Fat Spoon Tell Then
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A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Candy Garbage Give Give Me
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The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
Because Camera Digital Great
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The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

Attack Game Heart Time
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I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

Alone Cologne I Think Interesting
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I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

Back Certain Just Keep
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Guess Said Saw T-Shirt
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There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place that gets less and less comfortable over time.

Comfortable Gets Less Like
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Am Else Guy He
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Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

Both Employee Example Good
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Fat Friend Only You
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I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

Actual Asked Clothing Lady
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The bird, the bee, the running child are all the same to the sliding glass door.
Bee Bird Child Door
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Ever Nothing Printed Wise
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I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

About Catching Feeling Happen
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But long story short, I didn't start doing stand-up because I wanted to have a TV show or be an actor or even wanted to write sketch comedy. I got into stand-up because I love stand-up.

Actor Because Comedy Doing
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Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I Love Ideas Jokes Love
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The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.
Audience Doing Feedback Front
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Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

About Across Around Come
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I tend to avoid televisions, politics, and places with velvet ropes.

Avoid Places Politics Ropes
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I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.

First Found Interesting Law
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But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

A Good Thing Because Disappointing Disapproval
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I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

High High School I Love Lot
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And as far as actors go, Peter Sellers is my all-time favorite.

Actor All Time As Far As Far
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I didn't do improv in college, I never performed, I didn't do theater either. I was in student government, I was a history major.

College Either Government History
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I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

Association Bar Council Even
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Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Read Die Middle Good
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Panics Wear Cat
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If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Young Drink Health.slow Mind
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Drunkenness Season Drink Behavior
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Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
Money Power Government Car
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Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we're looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.

Drug Alcohol Fundamental Society
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You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
You People Poverty Money
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Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Young Children Concept Death
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Everybody Raise People
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