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2431 Comedian Quotes

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Cat Greet Rest Life
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There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.

Basic Human Right Please
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Parent Size Discipline
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There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon.

Terrifying People Soon
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Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

Married Benefit Elicit.sympathy
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Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes. And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.

Government Bureaucracy Proposes
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A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

Tasteful Famous Relative
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Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
Seriousness Stupidity College
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Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights. Politics are a lousy way to get things done. Politics are, like God's infinite mercy, a last resort.

Politics Foreigners Endless Wrongs
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Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
Never Unfaithful Lover Wife
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Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools - and use it on the teachers.

Punishment Corporal Introduce School
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The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

Mystery Government Works
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Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't present.
Gossip Object Flattery Present
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You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.

Children Asking Growing Refuses
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Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.

Feeling Government Bright Catastrophe
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There is one thing women can never take away from men. We die sooner.

One Women Men Die
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You may be surprised to discover you're rich, especially if you're broke.
Surprise Discover Broke
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The idea of capitalism is not just success but also the failure that allows success to happen.

Capitalism Success Failure
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It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.

Fun Better Got Better
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I rarely meet a politician that I don't like personally. They are generally well endowed with charm. Therein lies the danger.

Politician Personality Endowed Charm
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We need a government, alas, because of the nature of humans.
Government Need Nature Humans
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I like making things. I have a wood shop at home. I am a terrible carpenter but I love doing it.

Making Wood Terrible Carpenter
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I write because I like to make things and the only things I am good at making things with are words.
Things Good Making Words
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I'm always excited to try something I haven't done.

Always Done Excited Something
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I never set out to do a sketch show.

Never Out Set Show
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To me, comedy is a game.

Comedy A Game Me
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Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Boat Choice Choosing Enjoyable
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For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

About Before Church Come
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But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

Boldly Direction Dreams Figured
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And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.

Being Day Forward Looking
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I started being a comedy fan when I was, I'm going to guess, like 5 or 6 years old.

Being Comedy Fan Going
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Away Because Fun Funny
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I think a lot of stuff I find funny is from day dreaming.
Day Dreaming Find Funny
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When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.

Always Because California Kid
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I have fun acting, and I want to do more of it, and I want to direct my own movie.

Acting Direct Fun Have Fun
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People only have so much attention.

Attention Much Much Attention Only
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I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

College Finish Fit Get
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And of course I didn't make any money from stand up for years, so I had temp jobs. That was the way I made money.

Any Course Had Jobs
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Funny I Think Kid Me
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Fashion is so over the top.
Fashion Over Over-The-Top Top
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I don't devalue comedy as compared to drama. Not one bit.

Bit Comedy Compared Devalue
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I don't have a burning desire to be taken seriously as an actor. I don't have a master plan in that way.

Actor Burning BurningDesire Desire
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I don't think know if anything's going to translate anywhere. You're making a movie, you hope it's going to be funny, you can't think about how it's going to go over.

About Anything Anywhere Funny
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I don't think the public is dying to see me necessarily be funny all the time.

Dying Funny Me Necessarily
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I enjoy the work I do in comedies. It's a valid test of your creative abilities.

Ability Comedies Creative Enjoy
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I grew up wanting to make movies, and along the way I suddenly found that I had a career doing comedy.

Along Career Comedy Doing
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I have a lot of nervous energy. Work is my best way of channelling that into something productive unless I want to wind up assaulting the postman or gardener.

Best BestWay Energy Gardener
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I just watched Paul Michael Glaser. He was the reason I wanted to do the movie because as a kid I was such a big fan of his. I watched all the episodes and tried to get a feeling for what he was doing.

Because Big BigFan Doing
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I love New York. I was sad, depressed and incredibly moved by our fellow countrymen and what they've done. I wanted to give people a chance to see something funny, have a distraction.

Chance Countrymen Depressed Distraction
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I think most politicians could take a dodgeball in the face.

Could Face IThink Most
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