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"1066 Funny Quotes

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Dead Football Football Games Games
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Anything Children Danced Eat
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Automobile Car Come Designers
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Anyone Belongs Carousel Did
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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Bad Go Guests House
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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
Housework Right Will You
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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Accent Any Buy Cosmetic
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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Always Bathroom Car Groceries
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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Done Go Graduated High
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Never have more children than you have car windows.

Car Children More Never
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It's not length of years that makes you old. It's length of poverty that ages you.

Poverty Ages You Years
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Those who say money can't buy happiness act as if being broke can buy happiness.

Money Happiness Broke Act
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I like whiskey. I always did, and that is why I never drink it.
Always Did Drink Like
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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Baseball Gossip Me National
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Luck is not something you can mention in the presence of self-made men.

Luck Men Mention Presence
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I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.

Chickens Discouraging Know Literature
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I had actually gone to a church-related college, but I went on a football scholarship, not because of any interest in the church.

Actually Any Because Church
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If you can do a half-assed job of anything, you're a one-eyed man in a kingdom of the blind.

Anything Blind Job Kingdom
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When I'm being funny, I try not to offend. I don't think much of what I've done has been in really ghastly taste. I don't think I have embarrassed many people or distressed them.

Been Being Being Funny Distressed
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I'm screamingly funny, you know, I really am in the books. And that helps because I'm funnier than a lot of people, I think, and that's appreciated by young people.

Am Appreciated Because Books
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I'm a felon. I get pulled over all the time.
Get Over Pulled Time
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Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.

Enjoy Time Wasted Wasting
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I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.

Christianity First Go Know
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Cleanliness is next to idleness.

Cleanliness Next Idleness
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This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

School His dog Separated Dog
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You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

Buy Love Pay Heavily.
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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Doctor Broke Two places Quit
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I put my flaws on front street. So the world accepted my flaws, so I don't have any flaws.

Accepted Any Flaws Front
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I look at other people's lives, and some people feel like they're too old to play with toys. But I still go through the toy section at the store, 'cause there were toys that I wanted when I was little that I couldn't have. So I still get them.

Cause Feel Get Go
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When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

Abroad Been Exactly Flying
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I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

Bad Bad Weather Came Covered
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Comedy's really subjective, you know.

Comedy Know Really Subjective
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That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

Bald Exaggerate Having Head
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I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

Adult Brilliantly Car Drive
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I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

About Bad Bad People Before
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Chinese people age overnight.

Age Chinese Chinese People Overnight
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People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.

Answer Door Glass Houses
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Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.

Comedy Hard Know Really
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If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

Bath Chunks Documented Sit
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No gentleman ever discusses any relationship with a lady.

Any Ever Gentleman Lady
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Nothing's funnier to me than laughing at myself.

Funnier Laughing Me Myself
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Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you.

Asking Beginning Bucket Go
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So Lord Lugard's girlfriend named our country Nigeria! See why girlfriends are as powerful as wives in this country?

Girlfriend Powerful Wives Country
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I kinda grew up in different places. I was just from everywhere.
Different Different Places Everywhere Grew
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I didn't beat her. I just pushed her out of bed.

Beat Bed Her Just
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I'm gonna drop fitty. I'm gonna drop fitty pounds. How many quarter-pounders with cheeses is that? I'm gonna drop 200 quarter-pounder with cheeses.

Drop Gonna How Many
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A lot of people ask me when I do a stunt, 'Jackie, are you scared?' Of course I'm scared. I'm not Superman.

Ask Course Jackie Lot
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Don't try to be like Jackie. There is only one Jackie. Study computers instead.

Computers Instead Jackie Like
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We have a problem. 'Congratulations.' But it's a tough problem. 'Then double congratulations.'

Double Problem Then Tough
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Don't be hunting returnees like Antelopes because of COVID-19

Hunting Like Returnee Antelopes
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