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"1066 Funny Quotes

My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
Comedy Different Doing Every
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I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.

Bat Biting Get Got
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Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.

Being Bus Different Drunk
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When you're young, you're stupid. You do silly things.
Silly Silly Things Stupid Things
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To be a liar, you've got to have a great memory, and I don't have a memory.
Got Great Liar Memory
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There is no cloud above my head - there is not even a mist.

Above Cloud Even Head
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Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!

Comment Like Microphone More
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Well I have a microphone and you don't so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!

Damn Every Listen Microphone
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I feel what they feel. And people who listen to me know that, and it makes them feel like they're not alone.

Feel Listen People
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I am a man in a hurry.

Am Hurry I Am Man
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When I had dark hair I definitely felt that I was more anonymous.
Anonymous Dark Dark Hair Definitely
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I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don't know who got my moped, but I drove that Peugeot for years.

Car Car Keys Drove Everyone
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In my day we didn't have sex education, we just picked up what we could off the television.
Could Day Education Just
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Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Enemy He Interrupt Making
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One must ask children and birds how cherries and strawberries taste.

Ask Birds Cherries Children
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Impossible is a word to be found only in the dictionary of fools.

Dictionary Fools Found Impossible
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I would love to do something like 'Beverly Hills Cop'. I'd get to be funny and cool and heroic all in the same breath.

Beverly Beverly Hills Breath Cool
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A big bum is better than qualifications in Nigeria

Nigeria Better Qualifications Bum
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It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.

Anything Funny Nobody Practically
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The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind.
Comic Indeed Joke Mankind
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Heaven knows where I'll end up - but it's a safe bet that I'll never be at the top of anything! Nor do I particularly care to be.

Anything Bet Care End
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If, after I depart this vale, you ever remember me and have thought to please my ghost, forgive some sinner and wink your eye at some homely girl.

After Depart Ever Eye
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As far as I'm concerned, the entire reason for becoming a writer is not having to get up in the morning.

As Far As Becoming Concerned Entire
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An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.

Also Better Cabbage Idealist
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I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

Cigarette Never Nine Smoked
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Bullies want to abuse you. Instead of allowing that, you can use them as your personal motivators. Power up and let the bully eat your dust.

Abuse Allowing Bullies Bully
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If you live among dogs, keep a stick. After all, this is what a hound has teeth for-to bite when he feels like it!

After Among Bite Dogs
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I once said, 'We will bury you,' and I got into trouble with it. Of course we will not bury you with a shovel. Your own working class will bury you.

Bury Class Course Got
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They pay little attention to what we say and prefer to read tea leaves.

Attention Leaves Little Little Attention
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When you are skinning your customers, you should leave some skin on to heal, so that you can skin them again.

Again Customers Heal Leave
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Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Computer Honest Laugh More
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My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

Because Disposal Garbage Out
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A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

Dangerous Driver Drunk He
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If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
Fat Spoon Tell Then
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I saw a transvestite wearing a T-shirt that said 'Guess'.
Guess Said Saw T-Shirt
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I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'

Am Else Guy He
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When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Fat Friend Only You
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Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.

Ever Nothing Printed Wise
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At least we all have HIV AIDS except that some of us are negative and some of us are positive.

HIV AIDS Positive Negative
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Ojukwu is a great man, he died but his manhood lives on.

Ojukwu Manhood Lives Great man
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If I'd known how much packing I'd have to do, I'd have run again.

Again How How Much Known
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Never wear anything that panics the cat.

Panics Wear Cat
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If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Young Drink Health.slow Mind
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The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk. This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve, when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.

Drunkenness Season Drink Behavior
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Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

Everybody Raise People
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A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

Cat Greet Rest Life
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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.

Parent Size Discipline
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A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative. Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.

Tasteful Famous Relative
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It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.

Fun Better Got Better
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Whoever does not miss the Soviet Union has no heart. Whoever wants it back has no brain.

Miss Brain Heart Soviet union
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