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"1066 Funny Quotes

Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the U.S. Bureau of Wild Life.

Bureau Donate Face He
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My toughest fight was with my first wife.

Fight First Toughest Wife
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I have a very large forehead. I have a pronounced skull. Maybe producers think that there is a lot going on up in there.

Forehead Going Large Lot
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It's a great relief that you're not as bad a parent as you thought you were.
Bad Great Parent Relief
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If people are sitting in the barbershop talking about my butt, it's conversational. That's what people are gonna do.

About Butt Conversational Gonna
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Going to work for a large company is like getting on a train. Are you going sixty miles an hour or is the train going sixty miles an hour and you're just sitting still?

Company Getting Going Hour
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I have a little bit of a belly, a tiny bit of pooch. It's the one thing I don't want to lose. I just like having some softness. If I lose that, then Tom might leave me.

Belly Bit Having Just
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Laughing is the best medicine but when you laugh for no reason then you need medicine.

Laughing Medicine Reason Need
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There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.

Laugh Serious Some SomeThings
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I had a friend who was getting married. I said, 'You're getting married - I didn't know about all this!' She said, 'I need health benefits.'

About Benefits Friend Getting
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I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.

Blame Drink Envy Everything
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All our best men are laughed at in this nightmare land.

Best Land Laughed Men
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Some kid gets his first iPhone, signs up to Twitter, and then tweets, 'Nikki Sixx sucks.' And I'm supposed to take that personally.

First Gets His IPhone
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I'd find it demeaning to be cleaning toilets.

Cleaning Demeaning Find Toilets
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Twitter is a really good place to take notes

Twitter Good place Take note
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When you slip on a banana peel, people laugh at you; but when you tell people you slipped on a banana peel, it's your laugh. So you become the hero rather than the victim of the joke.

Banana Become Hero Joke
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I've always had a complex about being taken seriously.

Always Complex Taken seriously
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Just go up to somebody on the street and say “You’re it!” and just run away.

Just go Street Run away
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People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

People Funny Child Accountant
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Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

Stuffed deer Wearing Dark glasses
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I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

I think Have Barbie Buzz cut
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Procrastination isn’t the problem, it’s the solution. So procrastinate now, don’t put it off.

Procrastination Problem Solution
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If someone says you’re weird, say Thank You.

Someone Weird Thank you
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Go to bed in your fireplace, you’ll sleep like a log

Go Bed Fireplace Sleep
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I don’t understand the sizes anymore. There’s a size zero, which I didn’t even know that they had. It must stand for: “Ohhh my God, you’re thin

Understand Sizes Zero God
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Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for – in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.

Normal Dressed Buy Work
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I’m a godmother, that’s a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that’s cute, I taught her that.

Godmother Great thing God
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Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry. Cry until you laugh. Keep doing it even if people are passing you on the street saying, ‘I can’t tell if that person is laughing or crying, but either way they seem crazy, let’s walk faster.’ Emote. It’s okay. It shows you are thinking and feeling.

Laugh As much Cry Keep doing
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The competition between me and Bill Gates, probably: Who can spend money more effectively that can do better philanthropy.

Better Between Bill Bill Gates
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If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Gold He Head Hit
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It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
Bad Being Bunch Country
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George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

Between Bush Difference Evil
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I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Drink Much You
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90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

Art Dance Drive Every
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I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

Anything Butter Fact Few
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I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

Beat Had Inside Me
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I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, 'Well, I've had it with humanity.' But I was wrong.
Down Had Humanity Reaction
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We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

Alive Eaten Evil Here
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Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck.

Adolescence Based Because Bill
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The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

Card Chicken Corporation Fried
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I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.
Bugs Bunny Deep Down
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It's disgusting, but my father taught me when your mouth gets dry, just suck the sweat out of your own jersey. There's no bravado to any of it; it's just a disgusting little trick.

Any Disgusting Dry Father
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Pooper scooper? Yeah, I've done it a few times. Every once in a while, you have to.

Done Every Few Once
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The best comedy to me - and again, I grew up with comedy since I was a baby, so I've seen it all - is when you exaggerate the truth, like Richard Pryor did, you understand?

Again Baby Best Comedy
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I giggle when I put myself down. It's just funny to me.

Down Funny Giggle Just
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Comedy wasn't something I chose - it chose me. I was just inherently funny when I was a kid.

Chose Comedy Funny Inherently
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I want to show all sides of myself. I mean, I don't want to howl at the moon my whole life, you know?

Howl Know Life Mean
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Physically, my character is stronger than him which is totally unrealistic, ... Because in reality he can ... kill me. I think it has a lot to do with (him being) the youngest of all of his brothers, and I think he got beat up a lot.

Physically Unrealistic Character Beat
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Once upon a time, an angel and a devil fell in love. It did not end well.
Once Upon Once Upon A Time Angel
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I don't take me seriously. If we get some giggles, I don't mind.

Get Giggles Me Mind
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