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"1066 Funny Quotes

The lovemaking that conceived me must have been done deep in the night. It's my most productive time.

Lovemaking Conceived The night Deep
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Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.

Two wrong Right Make Left
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If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

Worst thing Nobody laughs Deal Factory
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A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Bikini Country Die Fight
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There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
Also Certain Funny Jews
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I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Become Comedy Doing Had
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The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

Anymore Change I Can Only
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I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

Anything Reading Said Stand
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The first lady is, and always has been, an unpaid public servant elected by one person, her husband.

Always Been Elected First
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Find me a man who's interesting enough to have dinner with and I'll be happy.

Be Happy Dinner Enough Find
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Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

Alcohol Worst enemy Bible Love
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In these days of widespread illiteracy, functional illiteracy... anything that keeps people stupid is a felony.

Widespread illiteracy Functional People stupid
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It was the basilica of gossip, the Vatican of inside dope.

Dope Gossip Inside Vatican
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Some jokes are less agreeable than others

Some jokes Agreeable
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It's a lot of fun to play someone you don't normally think of yourself as.

Fun Play someone Think
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For every ten jokes you acquire a hundred enemies.
Acquire Enemies Every Hundred
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A dwarf who brings a standard along with him to measure his own size, take my word, is a dwarf in more articles than one.

Along Articles Brings Dwarf
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Humor is the affectionate communication of insight.

Affectionate Communication Humor Insight
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Extremists think 'communication' means agreeing with them.

Agreeing Communication Extremists Means
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I'm kinda mad that I had to wait 28 years to jump on a skateboard.

Had Jump Kinda Mad
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Lonely people, in talking to each other, can make each other lonelier.

Each Lonelier Lonely Make
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I've been told the best way to make a sexy face is to say 'pruuune.'

Been Best Best Way Face
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I only do this because I'm having fun. The day I stop having fun, I'll just walk away.

Only do Having fun Walk away
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I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.

Naturally funny Enjoyed Spotlight
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Do everything by hand, even when using the computer.

Do everything Hand Computer
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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Man Goodbye Woman Say it
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Failing to be there when a man wants her is the greatest sin a woman can commit - except being there when he doesn't want her.

Man Greatest sin Woman Commit
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In love, the one who runs away is the winner.

In love Runs away
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Men are funny characters, they must always have something to bemuse them.

Men Funny characters Something
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I regret the passing of the studio system. I was very appreciative of it because I had no talent.

Appreciative Because Had No Talent
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I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me... anecdotes. But never a joke.

Anecdotes Happened How I Can
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I wanted to get out of the pictures and stay home so that I could have children.

Children Could Get Home
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Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important.

Anything Correct Deeper Does
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I used to want to be a backup singer. Not a lead singer, because I really can't sing.
Backup Because Lead Lead Singer
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I've always been interested in people, but I've never liked them.

Always Interested People Liked them
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A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.

Person Sense Humor Springs
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If men had wings and bore black feathers, Few of them would be clever enough to be crows.

Men Wings Black feathers Clever
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Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.

Blessed Young Shall inherit National debt
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About the time we can make the ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Time Make Ends meet Moves
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All men are equal before fish.

All men Equal Fish
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Doesn't the devil live forever; who ever heard that the devil was dead? Did you ever see any person wearing mourning for the devil?

Devil Live forever Heard Dead
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The only way to get out of trouble is to enter trouble.

Only way Trouble Get out
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Now stop your dancing; you wouldn't come out and dance when I played to you.

Now stop Dancing Come out Played to
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To reap a return in ten years, plant trees. To reap a return in 100, cultivate the people.

To reap Return Plant trees Cultivate
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Humour is often stronger and more effective than sharpness in cutting knotty issues.

Humour Stronger Effect Sharpness
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As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
Alive Done Feel Gets
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I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

Came Comic Here Laugh
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The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

Any Better Fact Get
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People who don't drink are afraid of revealing themselves.

People Drink Afraid Revealing themselves
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I always cry at weddings, especially my own.

Always cry Weddings
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