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"1066 Funny Quotes

There never seems to be any trouble brewing around a bar until a woman puts that high heel over the brass rail. Don't ask me why, but somehow women at bars seem to create trouble among men.

Never seems Trouble Brewing around Bar
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I hate funerals. They aren't for the guy who's dead. They're for the guys who are left alive and enjoy mourning.

Hate funerals Who's dead Alive
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I just love making a fool out of myself. I made my living as a clown at kids' parties for about three years.

Just love Myself Living Clown
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Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead.

Rise Early to Bed Male healthy
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It is all but impossible to sit quietly by when someone is throwing salad plates.

Impossible Sit quietly Throwing
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On stage I make love to twenty five thousand people; and then I go home alone.

Alone Five Go Go Home
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Two days ago the prophecy came to pass as the "short man", was appointed Chairman of the 'Use The Toilet Committee of Nigeria'. The Bible says "what profiteth a man to gain the world and lose his soul?" Vice President of Shitty Matters, how do you feel now?

Prophecy To pass Was appointed Chairman
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Thrown so many gifts in the trash, I forgot to remove my heart from one of the boxes.

Many gift Heart Trash Boxes
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Man, I have had so much plastic surgery, I don't even recognize myself, sometimes. If I catch a glimpse in a window or something, I think it is someone else.

So much Plastic surgery Recognize myself
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I’m a hustler baby; I sell water to a well.

Hustler baby Sell water Well
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The reason why poverty is dragging with so many people today is because they like to drag people on Twitter for fun

Reason Poverty Twitter Drag people
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You don't need a vacation when there's nothing to escape from.

Need Vacation Escape from
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Nothing anyone says in a bar is true.

Nothing Anyone Say Bar
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Prosperity consists of two things: tea after a meal, and a cigarette after tea.

Prosperity Two things Tea A meal
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Tell my father I wish to be his son.

Tell My father Wish His son
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You let women dictate your actions and they are not competent in this world, though certainly they will be saints in heaven while we men burn in hell.

Let woman Dictate Actions World
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But when you're a celebrity, you discover that you're no longer the pursuer, but the one being pursued. That's one of the disappointments I have had since becoming a single man.

Celebrity No longer The pursuer Disappointment
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I don’t have any message for anybody, the message I have for the Nigerian press is that they are going to hell…Nigerian press that is running against the truth will go to hell.

Nigerian press The truth Message Hell
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Everyone is Rich and Successful on Instagram…living fake life with cheat data

Fake life Living Cheap Data
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Allow the purity of evil to guide you.

Allow The purity Evil
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You cannot go high and wide all at the same time

Go high Wide Same time You
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If a soldier say stop with a gun in his hand and a pastor say go in the name of God. Who will you obey?

Soldier Stop A gun Pastor
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When a thief who stole your item is helping you look for it, you are sure not to find it except by a MIRACLE.

Thief Stole Miracle Your Item
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I want to be alone and I want people to notice me — both at the same time

Be alone People Notice me
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Sometimes the nicest thing to do with a guitar is just look at it.
Sometimes Nicest thing Guitar Look
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Animals, children, and the working class comprise the company in which I'll feel most at ease.

Animals Children Working class Company
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You must learn to forgive a man when he's in love. He's always a nuisance.

Must learn Forgive Man In love
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419 is just a game. You are the loser, I am the winner
Game 419 The loser The winner
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But big people’s illnesses are always made to sound big. The simple shutting and opening of the royal arse-hole was made to sound as if the world was coming to an end

Big people Illness Sound big Simple shutting
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I was bullied every day at school because I carried a briefcase. I could have left it at home. But I thought it looked great! I didn't understand why anyone else didn't think so.

Bullied At school Carried briefcase At home
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Son, are you happy? I don't mean to pry, but do you dream of Heaven? Have you ever wanted to die?

Happy Dream Heaven Have you
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You're entirely bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are.

Entirely bonkers Secret Best people
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
Go around Once Muscle car You can
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Man's attention Stand Front Don't move
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Guy knows In love Loses interest His car
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Women Like cars Ferrari End up
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Only reason Men Alive Lawn care
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If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Laugh At yourself Who Can you
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Until I see someone eating out of the gutters before I believe there is poverty in Nigeria

Gutters Someone Poverty Eating
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You press men, you always say there are no minerals in Kano. we have Coca Cola, Fanta, Mirinda and the newly invented Sprite

Press men Kano Minerals Coca Cola
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The Worth of a child born and bred in Nigeria cannot be compared to that in the United State.
The worth Child Born and bred Nigeria
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Sometimes you don’t realize you love someone till they become rich

Realize Love Become rich You
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A writer is someone for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people.

Writer Someone Writing More difficult
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How can I free myself from sexuality? Eat nothing but rice?

Free myself Sexuality Eat nothing Rice
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If I rescued a child from drowning, the press would no doubt headline the story: 'Benn grabs child

Rescued Child From drowning Headline
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A dream is just a nightmare with lipstick.

A dream Nightmare With lipstick
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It is better of course to know useless things than to know nothing.

Better Know Useless things Nothing
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Laughter is involuntary. If it's funny you laugh.

Laughter Involuntary Funny You laugh
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If you join the rat race,you're in the race of rats.

You join Rat race
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Without prejudice to the hardworking Nigerian Youths, I really want to comprehend how some youth complain of being broke yet they are holding over 3 plots of land in their hand as smart phone.

Prejudice Hardworking Nigerian Youths
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