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"1066 Funny Quotes

Witchcraft is when a 24-year-old girl who cannot jog for five minutes expects a 40-year-old man to last for an hour in action.

Witchcraft Five Jog Girl
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If you are a married man and you find yourself attracted to school girls, just buy your wife a school uniform.

Uniform Wife School Buy
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Virginity is the best wedding gift any man would receive from his newly wed wife but lately, there’s nothing as such any-longer because it’ll have already been given out as a Birthday gift, token of Appreciation, Job assurance, Church collection, Examination marking schemes and for Lorry fares!

Gift Best Receive Wife
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Cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in a piece of paper with fire on one end and a fool on the other end.

End Paper Piece Roll
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For a woman with beauty without brains, it’s her private parts that suffer.

Woman Beauty Brain Part
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Sometimes you look back at girls you spent money on rather than sending it to your mum and you realise witchcraft is real.

Look Back Spent Money
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If you are ugly, you are ugly. Stop talking about inner beauty because men don’t walk with X-Rays to see inner beauty.

Ugly Stop Beauty Because
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All I hear is NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. If that was God's plan then you would receive your penis or vagina on your wedding day.

Hear Plan Day God
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Any man who successfully convinces a monkey that honey is sweeter than banana is capable of selling condoms to a Roman father.

Man Honey Capable Roman
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It’s hard to bewitch an African lady these days. Every time you take a piece of her hair to the witch doctor, either a Brazilian innocent woman gets mad or a factory in China catches fire.

Hard African Lady Time
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Dating a slim/slender guy is cool. The only problem is when you are lying on his chest then his ribs draw Adidas lines on your face.

Draw Line Face Chest
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Dear ladies, if your boyfriends didn’t wish you a happy Mother’s Day, you should stop breastfeeding them.

Wish Happy Day Stop
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It is better for a man to be stingy with his money because he hustled for it than a woman to deny him a hole she didn’t drill.

Better Man Stingy His
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If you have attended 200 weddings and you are still single you are not different from a canopy.

Single Still Canopy Different
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It’s every man’s dream to remove a lady’s pants one day but not when it’s on a drying line.

Man Dream Lady Line
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Keep every part of your towel clean because the part that cleans your buttocks today will wipe your face tomorrow.

Every Part Towel Clean
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Some couples are just good on Facebook yet they don’t talk to each other in their homes.

Couple Good Talk Home
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Married women should stop putting beautiful pictures and statuses of themselves. Why advertise goods that are no longer in stock?

Stock Good Longer Picture
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Witchcraft is when you are in class and your manhood decides to erect for no reason. Then the teacher points at you to go and rub the chalkboard.

Class Reason Point Rub
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Sometimes you look back at the woman you married, analyze all the problems she has caused you and you realize witchcraft is real.

Real Realize Cause Problem
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Girls of today will be putting flowers on their heads when they are on Snapchat but they feel shy carrying vegetables to sell for their mothers. God is seeing everything you are doing my sister and the thunder that is going to strike you is still doing press ups.

Today Head Feel Shy
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Ladies again if he doesn’t treat you well don’t shave, if he behaves like an animal let him eat in the jungle.

Again Treat Well Shave
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If your father is not happy with you living in his house , he should move out. You’re in your father’s house, he should move to his own father’s house.

Father Happy House Living
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I am 93 years old, my wife is 52 years old; meaning when I was 41 years, my wife Grace was 1 week old. Don’t give up if you’re still single; probably your future partner is not even born yet; or probably your father-in-law and your mother-in-law have not met yet. Have faith today.

Wife Years Grace Week
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Confuse your enemies by repeating clothes. They’ll think today was yesterday.

Confuse Yesterday Think Today
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You can never be wise and be in love at the same time.

Time Same Wise Never
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I know it is wet and the sun is not sunny, but we can have lots of good fun that is funny.

Wet Sun Lot Good
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Sweat pants, hair tied, chilling with no make-up on. That’s when you’re the prettiest; I hope that you don’t take it wrong.

Hair Sweat Hope Wrong
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We live in a generation of not being in love and not being together.

Live Being Love Together
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The best candy shop a child can be left alone in, is the library.
Child Candy Library Best
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Nature has no mercy at all. Nature says, ‘I’m going to snow. If you have on a bikini and no snowshoes, that’s tough. I am going to snow anyway.

Nature Mercy Snow Bikini
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I never have written every day. When I’m writing a book, I write Monday through Friday. I always try to take Saturday and pretend to have some sanity.

Sanity Pretend Book Writing
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My life has been one great big joke, a dance that’s walked a song that’s spoke, I laugh so hard I almost choke when I think about myself.

Life Great Dance Song
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If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don’t be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning ‘Good morning’ at total strangers.

Smile People Love Home
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Alas the last of the great Titans… The great one who pricked himself on a senticous bush as he pushed for the freedom of his people from oppression… An epitome of sophronization…We shall not cry, rather we will celebrate a life truly well lived…

Great Titan Pricked Freedom
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A celebration of democracy or a deprecable apotheosis of an hemorrhaging plutocracy, cascading into a mobocracy with all the ossifying proclivities of a kakistocracy? With our “democracy” enveloped in a paraplegic crinkum-crankum, we must all rise up to bring to focal hiceps and biceps, Nigeria’s “Pluto-mobo-kakistocracy”…. Certainly not democracy!

Celebration Democracy Deprecable Apotheosis
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The urge to destroy is also a creative urge.

Urge Creative Destroy Also
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Bad artists copy. Good artists steal.

Copy Good Artist Bad
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The world doesn't make sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?

World Paint Sense Picture
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If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes.

Pull Brain Eye Only
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If you have a beautiful face you don’t need fake boobs to get anyone’s attention.

Beautiful Need Fake Anyone
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A true heiress is never mean to anyone - except a girl who steals your boyfriend.

True Except Stead Heiress
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A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.
Life World Flower Without
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I sometimes lie awake at night and wonder why I am still so popular and, to be honest, I don't know.

Awake Honest Know Lie
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When you are young, you do a lot of stupid things.
Lot Stupid Things You
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No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it.

Matter Old Answer Phone
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If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.
Comedy Teacher Salary Doing
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My wife asked me once if I weren’t a comedian what I would do. I couldn’t answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

Answer Wife Anything Comedian
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I'm always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don't even take what I am seriously.

Always Amazed Even People
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A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip.

Christian Give Gossip Parrot
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