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"1066 Funny Quotes

Almost everybody is born a genius and buried an idiot.
Almost Born Buried Genius
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We aren't in an information age, we are in an entertainment age.

Age Entertainment Information Information Age
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I'm really interested in independent publishers and memes and mini comics. But even before that, I was interested in Japanese manga and anime.

Anime Before Comics Even
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It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use, from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.

Deeds From Time To Time Jokes Make
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I am friends with Demi. Don't believe anything you read.

Am Anything Believe Friends
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I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand.

Around Attention Being Being Funny
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Everywhere I go, somebody is staring at me, I don't know if people are staring because they recognize me or because they think I'm a weirdo.

Because Everywhere Go Know
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The first kiss I had was the most disgusting thing in my life. The girl injected about a pound of saliva into my mouth, and when I walked away I had to spit it all out.

About All-Out Away Disgusting
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Even in the valley of the shadow of death, two and two do not make six.

Death Even Make Shadow
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Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

Answering Asked Deaf Deaf People
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We at Chrysler borrow money the old-fashioned way. We pay it back.

Back Borrow Chrysler Money
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Trouble shared is trouble halved.

Shared Trouble Is Halved
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In a corporation, there can only be one guy in the end: the CEO.

CEO Corporation End Guy
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We called him Tortoise because he taught us.

Because He Him Taught
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God has more important things to worry about than who I sleep with.

God Important More Sleep
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Titles are but nicknames, and every nickname is a title.

Every Nickname Nicknames Title
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If there must be trouble, let it be in my day, that my child may have peace.

Child Day May Must
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So many guys are so conservative with their hair, and I always joke with all my buddies when they mess with me, and I'll say, 'That's right, keep the same haircut for ten years.' How fun is that?

Always Buddies Conservative Fun
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Those who have knowledge, don't predict. Those who predict, don't have knowledge.
Knowledge Predict Those Who
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Maybe some people can wake up and play PlayStation all day, but that's never been me.

All Day Been Maybe Me
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Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius.
Been Finest Genius Humor
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Laughter is one of the very privileges of reason, being confined to the human species.

Being Confined Human Human Species
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Man, wear your seat belts. That's all I can tell everybody. You never know.

Belts Everybody I Can Know
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I wouldn't even hold my kids sometimes because I didn't want them to spit up on me when I was dressed for an awards show.

Awards Because Dressed Even
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In order to cry out for my black brothers, I had to hate the police.

Black Brothers Cry Had
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I love gas stations. Gas stations have some of the sickest clothes ever. T-shirts, hats, everything.

Clothes Ever Everything Gas
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Everybody who cares about me wants me to do therapy, but I just can't do therapy.

About Cares Everybody Just
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A celebrity is one who is known to many persons he is glad he doesn't know.

Celebrity Glad He Know
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Girls are so queer you never know what they mean. They say No when they mean Yes, and drive a man out of his wits for the fun of it.

Drive Fun Girl His
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Housekeeping ain't no joke.

Housekeeping Joke No Funny
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Money is the root of all evil, and yet it is such a useful root that we cannot get on without it any more than we can without potatoes.

Any Cannot Evil Get
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In fairy tales the bad guy is very easy to spot. The bad guy is always wearing a black cape so you always know who he is.

Always Bad Bad Guy Black
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I remember straightening my hair because I wanted to be like everybody else, and now the fact that anybody would emulate what I do? It's just funny.

Anybody Because Else Emulate
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Most of the time, songs that I write end up being finished in 30 minutes or less.
30Minutes Being End Finished
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No great genius has ever existed without some touch of madness.

Ever Existed Genius Great
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It is better, of course, to know useless things than to know nothing.

Better Course Know Nothing
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If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'

Across Afternoon Headline Morning
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The CIA is made up of boys whose families sent them to Princeton but wouldn't let them into the family brokerage business.

Boy Business CIA Families
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If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking.

Agree Doing Everything May
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When I was young, poverty was so common that we didn't know it had a name.

Common Had Know Name
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If future generations are to remember us more with gratitude than sorrow, we must achieve more than just the miracles of technology. We must also leave them a glimpse of the world as it was created, not just as it looked when we got through with it.

Achieve Also Created Future
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When I was a boy we didn't wake up with Vietnam and have Cyprus for lunch and the Congo for dinner.

Boy Congo Cyprus Dinner
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Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

Advise Men Never Successful
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Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought.

Ready Thought Wait Without
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I'm so much fun. Every kid wishes I was their grandpa! I'm the Motor City Madgramps.

City Every Fun Grandpa
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I enjoy getting dressed as a Barbie doll.

Barbie Doll Dressed Enjoy
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I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'

Charge Club Crazy Driving
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I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.

Bitter Depressed Get Good
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The South is the last place with a sense of place.
Last Place Sense South
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When so many are lonely as seem to be lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone.
Alone Lonely Many Seem
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