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"22 Lewis Grizzard Quotes & Sayings

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Born: 20 October 1946. Died: 20 March 1994 | Writer |

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.

Sex Enjoy Same Woman
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
Again Find Getting Getting Married
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It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.

Anything Difficult Eating Pleasant
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I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

After Alone Family Grew
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The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.

Block Fears Football Game
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You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'

Attitude Break Call Cat
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Show business is my life.

Business Life My Life Show
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There's no such thing as being too Southern.

Being Southern Thing Too
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The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
Forgive Mistakes More Often
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Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

Changes Dog Lead Life
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I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.

Columns Damn Give Got
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Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.

Changed Complex Deal Great
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I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'

Charge Club Crazy Driving
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I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.

Bitter Depressed Get Good
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I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.

Believer Country Enterprise Get
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I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes.
About Everything How Know
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I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.

Beer Bigot Blazer Drink
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I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.

Answers Babies By The Time Changed
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I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.

Book Could Get Go
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I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.

Book Columns Could Had
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A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that.

Always Being Columnist Important
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You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.

Absolutely Best Column Die
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The South is the last place with a sense of place.
Last Place Sense South
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Lewis Grizzard Quotes & Sayings