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"1066 Funny Quotes

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Alaska Got Missing Moved
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Makes Meant Friend Noises
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I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
Read Doctor Presciption Bill
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Stupidity has a certain charm - ignorance does not.

Stupidity Certain Ignorance Charm
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I enjoy irritating the people who enjoy being irritated.

Enjoy Irritated Being People
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You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Coutry Beer Football Weapons
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Interviewer: 'So Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?' Frank Zappa: 'You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?

Woman Funny Wooden Table
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I don't want to see any religious people in public office because they're working for another boss.

Another Public Boss Office
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I love making people laugh and feel good, and that's awesome and special for me to be able to do that, but there really is nothing like kicking ass whether it's on a major scale, or whether it's in more of a dramatic fashion. Being physical and taking care of business the old-fashioned way is something that I love doing.

Able Awesome Being Business
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If I were not a Catholic, and were looking for the true Church in the world today, I would look for the one Church which did not get along well with the world; in other words, I would look for the Church which the world hated.

Catholic Were Looking True
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Thinking ... is what gets you caught from behind.

Thinking Caught Behind You
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If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions.

Answers Frighten Asking Scary
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I prefer people who rock the boat to people who jump out

Prefer People Rock Boat
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If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop your story.

You Want Happy Ending
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Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

Anything Cockroaches Eat Night
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I'm not basically a happy person, but I have all kinds of joy.

Basically Happy Person But
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The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month.

Cleverest All Man Who
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I don't want to be the oldest performer in captivity... I don't want to look like a little old man dancing out there.

Captivity Dancing Like Little
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I just put my feet in the air and move them around.
Air Around Feet Just
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I hate television. I hate it as much as peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts.

Eating Hate Much Peanuts
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The architect must be a prophet... a prophet in the true sense of the term... if he can't see at least ten years ahead don't call him an architect.

Ahead Architect Call He
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Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60. They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall.

Bureaucrats Buried Dead Like
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A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50, and a fool if he doesn't afterward.

Afterwards Age Before Drinks
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TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

Chewing Chewing Gum Eyes Gum
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To look at the cross-section of any plan of a big city is to look at something like the section of a fibrous tumor.

Any Big Big City City
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When dealing with the insane, the best method is to pretend to be sane.

Best Dealing Insane Method
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When you say you agree to a thing in principle you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

Agree Carrying Intention Mean
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There is a Providence that protects idiots, drunkards, children and the United States of America.

America Children Idiots Protects
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Whether they give or refuse, it delights women just the same to have been asked.

Asked Been Delights Give
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A stair not worn hollow by footsteps is, regarded from its own point of view, only a boring something made of wood.

Boring Footsteps Hollow Made
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If it had been possible to build the Tower of Babel without climbing it, it would have been permitted.

Babel Been Build Climbing
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There are only two things. Truth and lies. Truth is indivisible, hence it cannot recognize itself; anyone who wants to recognize it has to be a lie.

Anyone Cannot Hence Itself
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The heart is forever making the head its fool.

Fool Forever Head Heart
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Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.
Alcohol Bible Enemy Love
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I'm trying to figure out, Chairman of what Board? People come up to me and seriously say: 'Well, what are you Chairman of?' And I can't answer them.

Answer Board Chairman Come
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I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.

Answer Legs Prayed Received
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Nigerian girls are the prettiest, it’s just the belly ha

Nigerian Girls Prettiest Belly
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The man who is always worrying about whether or not his soul would be damned generally has a soul that isn't worth a damn.

About Always Damn Generally
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A person is always startled when he hears himself seriously called an old man for the first time.

Always First First Time He
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I can't kill myself

Kill I Myself
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Why can't somebody give us a list of things that everybody thinks and nobody says, and another list of things that everybody says and nobody thinks?

Another Everybody Give List
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The best author will be the one who is ashamed to become a writer.

Ashamed Author Become Best
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In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Heaven Interesting Interesting People Missing
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A big man has no time really to do anything but just sit and be big.

Anything Big Just Man
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Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.

Cut Exclamation Joke Laughing
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Scratch a Yale man with both hands and you'll be lucky to find a coast-guard. Usually you find nothing at all.

Both Find Hands Lucky
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I've been drunk for about a week now, and I thought it might sober me up to sit in a library.

About Been Drunk Library
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His was a great sin who first invented consciousness. Let us lose it for a few hours.

Consciousness Few First Great
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There are persons who, when they cease to shock us, cease to interest us.
Cease Interest Persons Shock
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They say women and music should never be dated.

Dated Music Never Say
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