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"1066 Funny Quotes

When someone asks you, 'What's punk?' my reply is, 'If you have to ask, you're never going to know.

Punk Never Know Reply
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I think Naomi Klein was very astute with her book 'Shock Doctrine.' We make money on disaster.

Shock Doctine Money Disaster
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The idea that any performer type is owed anything is a joke to me.

Idea Type Joke Owed
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I'd like to talk to Sean Hannity in a controlled environment and say, 'O.K., you can't interrupt and jump up and down like a professional wrestler.

Interrupt Professional Wrestler Jump
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I've never heard Daft Punk; I've never heard a track of theirs in my life. They're the two guys with motorcycle helmets on?

Motorcycle Heard Life Helments
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I've been on 'Jay Leno,' and everyone likes Jay, but being on that show is a really boring afternoon. I sincerely like Jay, but I wouldn't want his job, because I'd have to interview Kathy Ireland, and there's nothing there I'd want to know.

Ireland Interview Kathy Boring
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I'm not in a position where I get to pick and choose roles. I usually go on auditions in long lines and embarrass myself in front of casting directors, and with a lump in my throat and my ears burning, I walk past reception and smirking actors as I go to the parking garage and go back on the highway.

Actors Parking Garage Highway
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If I'm jetlagging, and I've missed some meals, and it gets to that point in a movie that you're supposed to cry, I'll let my defences down from around my inherent standing level of cynicism, and I'll cry.

Around Inherent Cynicism Cry
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The knowledge of cooking does not come pre-installed in a vagina.

Cooking Come Knowledge Not
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I like boring black and white films with subtitles. I'm basically a drip.

White Black FIlms Subtitle
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It's why real men just go out in the woods and howl. I must do it and get paid.

Men Woods Paid Real
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Maybe I'm just a psycho, and the stage is a better place to go than either the loony bin or somewhere else.

Stage Better Loony Place
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Young, gay and stuck in Arkansas? Sounds like a horror flick.

Stuck Sound Young Gay
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The first Van Halen album makes Johnny Rotten out to be what he really was and still is: a hairdresser.

Hairdresser Album Still First
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More and more, journalism seems to have hopped out of Truth's pocket and crept into another.

Hopped Pocket Crept Journalism
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Young African-American males: Stop existing. It could get you killed.

Young Stop Killed African
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If you think about it, every single species is endangered. Homo sapiens at the front of the line, mosquitoes and lawyers at the back.

Front Mosquitoes Lawyer Single
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Do you know why Albert Camus was so prolific? He wrote to keep from screaming.

Camus Prolific Sceaming Keep
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It's one thing to buy a copy of 'Atlas Shrugged.' You actually have to read it to get anything out of it.

Actually Copy Shrugged Read
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I have come to regard November as the older, harder man's October. I appreciate the early darkness and cooler temperatures. It puts my mind in a different place than October. It is a month for a quieter, slightly more subdued celebration of summer's death as winter tightens its grip.

Subdued Winter Grip Harder
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Have you ever heard the expression 'one hot mess?' I think the term was custom-made for the mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford.

Mayor Hot Mess Term
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When a band becomes as truly iconic as the Velvet Underground, there will often be a box set released, overburdened with mediocre material that dilutes what was fine left on its own.

Material Own Dilutes Mediocre
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My unconditional sure thing is that I don't have one.

Have Don't Unconditional Sure
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There is not one single police officer in America that I am not afraid of and not one that I would trust to tell the truth or obey the laws they are sworn to uphold. I do not believe they protect me in any way.

Law Believe Protect Sworn
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I'd rather be the king of kids, than the prince of fools.

King Kids Prince Fools
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You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

You Never Underestimate Power
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Chocolates and cakes are the biggest problem I have. That is why I punish myself at the gym because I know I can't stop myself from eating what I want. I call it eating your cake and having it.

Cake Chocolate Problem Punish
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Sleeping is forbidden at the age of 22. It’s all work and no play.

Sleeping Age Play Work
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I tried football and got my ass beat. I tried baseball, and the ball knocked out one of my teeth.

Football Teeth Baseball Beat
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You are my superstar. I’m your number one fan, give me your autograph, sign it right here on my heart. Girl, I’ll be your groupie, baby.

Number Autograph Heart Baby
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The fidelity of a dog is a precious gift.

Fidelity Dog Precious Gift
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If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously. Punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.

Breaks Face Punch Cream
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I am in agreement with everything my father taught me and nothing my mother taught me.

Agreement Father Mother Taught
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Take a lover who looks at you like maybe you are a bourbon biscuit.

Lover Bourbon Biscuit Look
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I would have preferred to have been born in any other time than our own.

Born Time Own Preferred
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I am convinced that there are times in everybody's experience when there is so much to be done, that the only way to do it is to sit down and do nothing.

Convinced Sit Down Nothing
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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Heart Stomach Way Man
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Experience is an excellent doctor, though he never had a diploma.
Doctor Diploma Excellent Experience
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Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

Children Created Happy Ignore
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Well, it is a humiliating reflection, that the straightest road to a man's heart is through his palate.

Palate Reflection Humilating Straightest
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Women would rather be right than reasonable.
Rather Reasonable Right Than
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Oh, I was not made for heaven. No, I don't want to go to heaven. Hell is much better. Think of all the interesting people you're going to meet down there!

Heaven Hell Interesting People
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I don't do a film unless it has a sword in it. And if it doesn't have a sword in it, I insist that they have one in the same room to keep me comfortable.

Film Sword Insist Room
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No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.

Marriage Fool Funny Age
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You're headed for disaster cos you never read the signs Too much love will kill you every time

Time Read Headed Signs
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The one thing I couldn't identify with was the blue cowboy outfit he put on.

Cowboy Identify One Blue
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If you check your ego at the door when it comes to comedy, you've got a pretty good shot at making a great movie that you can commit yourself to, you can jump off the proverbial cliff with, and have a great time, and the audiences respond to that.

Check Ego Door Comes
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When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

People Musical Comedy English
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Box Child Eventually Had
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I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Chain Dollar Everybody Fax
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