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Funny
"
1066 Funny Quotes
Good manners and bad breath will get you nowhere.
Elvis Costello
Good
Manners
Bad
Breadth
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Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything
Paris Hilton
Woman
Pet
Garage
Bed
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I'm blonde and tanned and normal-sized! I'm sweet, shy, funny, have a big heart and I'm nice - and I like to eat.
Paris Hilton
Normal
Sweet
Funny
Heart
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A. J. Cook
Wash
Hair
Car
Once
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I am not a pig farmer. The pigs had a great time, but I didn't make any money.
Willie Nelson
Any
Farmer
Great
Great Time
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Working hard but we hardly working.
Falz
Working
Hard
But
Hardly
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Writing books is fun because after I do a show for a couple hours, I'm in a bus for 22 hours. It's not hard for me to look out the window and tell a joke here and there.
Willie Nelson
After
Because
Books
Bus
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I will rather kill myself than commit suicide.
Patience Jonathan
Kill
Myself
Commit
Suicide
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I'm a polygamist. I can afford to have as many wives as I can afford to have. All Africans believe in it. My dad has four wives.
Akon
Afford
African
Believe
Afford
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I always try to give my own albums space in between so I have time to create a new sound and give time for people to miss me. You have to come out fresh and reinvent yourself.
Akon
Albums
Always
Between
Come
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Sister life is deeper. Deeper life is sister.
Davido
Sister
Life
Deeper
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You don’t need retweets to feel tough.
Korede Bello
You
Don't
Need
Feel
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Walt Disney
Animal
Funnier
Human
Human Animal
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
Any
Ever
I Love
Known
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All cartoon characters and fables must be exaggeration, caricatures. It is the very nature of fantasy and fable.
Walt Disney
Caricatures
Cartoon
Cartoon Characters
Characters
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I like Pirate’s Booty. Prunes and olives, too. I love hummus. I can eat that until I die. I tend to eat mostly organic food.
Queen Latifah
Prunes
Olive
Hummus
Food
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I’ve loved car racing all my life. I watch NASCAR regularly, and drag racing because we have Raceway Park in New Jersey. I think I got it from my father.
Queen Latifah
Race
Regularly
Watch
Father
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Anyone who knows me knows that I’m way more of a joker than I am a serious person.
Queen Latifah
Serious
Joker
Person
Anyone
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When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
Drinking
I
Evils
Read
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Even a fool learns something once it hits him.
Homer
Fool
Learns
Once
Him
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The only difference between me and others is that they think they can change something with cute little poems, nice cards or embracing trees and being nice to little lapdogs.
Henry Rollins
Nice
Lapdogs
Poems
Embracing
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And I laugh at myself when I screw things up, which happens all the time.
Henry Rollins
Laugh
Happens
Myself
Screw
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Most of the people who call me a sellout were 7 when I was down face-first in the punk trenches.
Henry Rollins
Sellout
Trenches
Down.People
Most
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Now, if someone wants to spit on me, I just roll up the window of my BMW 540i.
Henry Rollins
Window
Roll
Spit
Now
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If I had to perform in a comedy club I would bomb; I would be trying too hard.
Henry Rollins
Perform
Would
Trying
Bomb
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You don't have to twist my arm to work.
Henry Rollins
Don't
Twist
Work
Arm
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And I love the hate mail I get, the unsigned, misspelled letters I get telling me to go back to Russia or wherever.
Henry Rollins
Mail
Hate
Misspelled
Unsigned
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I'd like to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger, 'cause I live in California and I just want to see that canned, chemical filled body in my office.
Henry Rollins
California
Canned
Filled
Office
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If I hear, 'Be afraid of Tehran,' I'm like, 'I'd better go to Tehran.
Henry Rollins
Afraid
Better
Tehran
Hear
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I would rather gamble on our vision than make a ‘me, too’ product.
Steve Jobs
Gamble
Vision
Product
Make
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After I left D.C. to join Black Flag, I felt I was in a band.
Henry Rollins
After
Join
Band
Flag
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If I'm in L.A. for longer than 20 days, I'm looking for work, because I don't do vacations.
Henry Rollins
Looking
Work
Vacations
Longer
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I love being a storyteller. I love telling stories.
Henry Rollins
Storyteller
Love
Being
Telling
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I think young people should travel and travel often to other countries... like I do.
Henry Rollins
Young
Travel
Countries
Often
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I was a very repressed young person. I wasn't good at school. I didn't fit in.
Henry Rollins
Was
Repressed
Person
School
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To this day, my haircut is the number two clippers, which I apply to myself every month.
Henry Rollins
Every
Number
Clippers
Apply
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The first several years of my life were used to upload incredible amounts of fear, and I just became afraid of everything. I was afraid of my parents, afraid of my classmates, afraid of the streets of Washington, D.C. I would flinch at every gesture.
Henry Rollins
Classmates
Flinch
Gesture
Afraid
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Any young man who gets on his knees to propose to a girl, is not just an idiot, he's a bloody fool, a compound buffoon.
Pete Edochie
Young
Man
Propose
Girl
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There's tons of junk food for your mind on the Internet. You can sit there for three or 10 or 20 hours a day getting in online arguments with other people who also choose to waste their time.
Henry Rollins
Arguments
People
Choose
Waste
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The best compliment I get every year is that a band will write me and say, 'We were just on tour, and we had people coming to our show saying they had never heard us before they heard us on your show.
Henry Rollins
Heard
Show
Coming
Compliment
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This is my own little rock theory: In my mind, Nirvana slayed the hair bands. They shot the top off the poodles.
Henry Rollins
Theory
Slayed
Shot
Poodles
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I'm actually on the Twitter like all those crazy young kids are, and if I'm going to do an in-store appearance or I post something on my website, I tweet these followers, a word I don't like so much, and over 50,000 people go, like, 'Okay, I got it.
Henry Rollins
Followers
Word
Okay
Twitter
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Where there is young people and vitality, you're going to find punk rock.
Henry Rollins
Young
Vitality
Punk
Rock
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Questioning anything and everything, to me, is punk rock.
Henry Rollins
Anything
Punk
Rock
Qestioning
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You want to meet a bunch of really friendly people? Go to a Slayer concert. There'll be some real psychos there, but most of those people will take care of each other.
Henry Rollins
Psychos
People
Care
Other
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The prison-industrial complex and the military-industrial complex are here with us and are multi-billion dollar enterprises. We can make more money off the kid in Compton if he's a criminal instead of a scholar. It's business.
Henry Rollins
Money
Criminal
Instead
Scholar
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I try to be well informed. I don't know how well I do all the time, but I try nonetheless.
Henry Rollins
Informed
Well
Nonetheless
Try
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I wonder how Colin Powell sleeps at night. I would like to have a word with him because he lied. He lied. He lied to me. He lied to my face through the camera at the U.N.
Henry Rollins
Lied
Face
Camera
Night
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The kid who throws his spaghetti from the high chair onto his father's face, he's pushing back. He's sticking it to the man as he sees it. I like that. So that is punk.
Henry Rollins
Pushing
Punk
Sticking
Man
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I'm not harmful, just introspective. You can probably think I'm weird, but it's not harmful weird.
Henry Rollins
Instrospective
Weird
Harmful
Probably
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