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"1066 Funny Quotes

The best way to make your audience laugh is to start laughing yourself.

Audience Best Best Way Laugh
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My parents said, Oh, he's going to be a director someday. I wanted to be an actor.

Actor Director Going He
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No, not rich. I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing.

Am I Am Man Money
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I'm very happy with the way I write. I think I do it good. But I've never really considered myself a writer.

Considered Good Happy I Think
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Everything that goes into my mouth seems to make me fat, everything that comes out of my mouth embarrasses me.

Everything Fat Goes Comes
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Fiction was invented the day Jonas arrived home and told his wife that he was three days late because he had been swallowed by a whale.

Arrived Because Been Day
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I refuse to stand up in front of a rabbi and my friends and the woman I love - who I will tell you I can love with all my heart - and promise she will be the only one I will ever have until the day I die. That's a lie.

All My Heart Day Die Ever
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I was never interested in being a rock star. I always wanted to be Boris Karloff.

Always Being Interested Never
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My mother is probably the wisest person I've ever known. She's not schooled, she's not well read. But she has a philosophy of life that makes well-read people seem like morons.

Ever Known Life Like
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You know why I'm pulling your leg? Because I can't touch it from where I am.
Am Because I Am Know
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When you look at Clark Kent when he's working at the Daily Planet, he's a reporter. He doesn't fly through the air in his glasses and his suit.

Air Clark Daily Fly
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When you walk through a bad neighborhood, you don't want a poodle by your side. You want a Rottweiler.
Bad Neighborhood Poodle Side
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The root of all evil isn't money; rather, it's not having enough money.

Enough Enough Money Evil Having
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First, when I was 12, I saw a Spanish girl jumping rope. I never saw her face, but it was still the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen.

Beautiful Ever Face First
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I want to do everything. I want to be the president, I want to learn Tae Kwan Do, I want to climb mountains. I'm always bugged by the notion that I can't do everything.

Always Climb Everything Learn
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I don't wait for the calendar to figure out when I should live life.

Calendar Figure Life Live
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Sugar-free ice pops are an invention of God. They hardly have any calories since they're mostly water. I eat about 15 pops every two days.

About Any Calories Days
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I know that you like to see a man in the kitchen, but I'm skeptical of men who cook. A man should be focusing his attention on the woman, and not what's on the stove.

Attention Cook Focusing His
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When I finally got a management position, I found out how hard it is to lead and manage people.

Finally Found Got Hard
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There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Ask Crook Find He
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Bed Hospital Meter Running
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Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Like Others Principles Them
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She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Father Got He Her
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I've never owned a pair of jeans, but I had a fantastic denim boiler-suit and it got a lot of wearing.

Fantastic Got Had Jeans
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Let a man walk ten miles steadily on a hot summer's day along a dusty English road, and he will soon discover why beer was invented.

Along Beer Day Discover
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Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling.

Altogether Bed Ceiling Colored
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The word 'good' has many meanings. For example, if a man were to shoot his grandmother at a range of five hundred yards, I should call him a good shot, but not necessarily a good man.

A Good Man Call Example Five
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A yawn is a silent shout.

Shout A Silent Yawn
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Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

Become May Merely More
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The only way to be sure of catching a train is to miss the one before it.

Before Catching Miss Only
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Journalism largely consists of saying 'Lord Jones is Dead' to people who never knew that Lord Jones was alive.

Alive Consists Dead Journalism
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History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there.

About Events Happened History
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In Greece wise men speak and fools decide.

Decide Fools Greece Men
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The young man who has not wept is a savage, and the older man who will not laugh is a fool.

Fool Laugh Man Older
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The Bible is a wonderful source of inspiration for those who don't understand it.

Bible Inspiration Source Those
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Emotion is primarily about nothing and much of it remains about nothing to the end.

About Emotion End Much
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I have never met a man so ignorant that I couldn't learn something from him.

Him Ignorant Learn Man
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I am a professor at Stanford; I am a happy professor at Stanford. That's where I'm staying.

Am Happy I Am Professor
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People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.
Anything Charge Enjoy Meetings
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Toleration is good for all, or it is good for none.

Good All None For
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Our borders remain open for Corona and closed for Rice.

Borders Rice Corona Open
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By gnawing through a dike, even a rat may drown a nation.

Drown Even Gnawing May
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They say President Wilson has blundered. Perhaps he has, but I notice he usually blunders forward.

Blunders Forward He Notice
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I have friends in overalls whose friendship I would not swap for the favor of the kings of the world.
Favor Friends Friendship Kings
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I never did a day's work in my life. It was all fun.

Day Did Fun Life
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I cannot make the universe obey me. I cannot make other people conform to my own whims and fancies. I cannot make even my own body obey me.

Body Cannot Conform Even
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Talkers are usually more articulate than doers, since talk is their specialty.
Articulate Doers More Since
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If you want to study the social and political history of modern nations, study hell.

Hell History Modern Nations
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It is amazing that people who think we cannot afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, and medication somehow think that we can afford to pay for doctors, hospitals, medication and a government bureaucracy to administer it.

Administer Afford Amazing Bureaucracy
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I don't watch entertainment. I haven't watched in years. I want to see serious news.

Entertainment News See Serious
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