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"1066 Funny Quotes

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
Fight Got Lose Never
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The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Amendment Arms Artillery Bear
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We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Broke Burglar Furniture Gay
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I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Agree Right Sorry Were
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I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.
Like Out Pass Ready
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People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Alive Dead House Living
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The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'

Baseball Bat Give Give Me
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I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
Audience I Love Kids Love
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Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a scoundrel.

Bed Before Going Scoundrel
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I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.
Dogs Good Good Time Had
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Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.

Cathartic Comedy Deal Personal
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The 'Aladdin' thing - that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.

Animators Bad Bad Way Cash
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If Heaven exists, to know that there's laughter, that would be a great thing.
Exists Great Great Thing Heaven
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I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.

Born Cycling Everything Hurt
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I was only a leading man for a minute; now I'm a character actor.

Actor Character Character Actor Leading
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Drink Gave Had Last
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Being Everyone Hates He
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Could Guys Hear Laughing
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Brown Dentist Going He
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Dogs Family Found Looked
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Best Birthday Ever Get
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Broke Fight Game Hockey
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Cheats Good Good-Looking Goodness
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I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Her Interrupt Spoken Want
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Apart Dinner Doing Everything
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I imagine that yes is the only living thing.

Imagine Living Living Thing Only
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At least the Pilgrim Fathers used to shoot Indians: the Pilgrim Children merely punch time clocks.

Children Clocks Fathers Indians
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Kisses are a better fate than wisdom.

Better Fate Kisses Than
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Listen; there's a hell of a good universe next door: let's go.

Door Go Good Hell
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Attacked Being Controlled Girl
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Fat Found Hang Look
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My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Calendar Day Getting Jealousy
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Always Day Did Eye
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Come Day Girl Home
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Get Honest Luck No Respect
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Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Bartender Beat God He
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
Cat Covering Kept Me
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

About Bee Birds Butcher
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Arm Bone Dog Favorite
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

Because Call Dog Egypt
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Asked Birth Birth Control Boy
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Halloween Kids Like Looking
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My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Afraid Dark Light Me
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Coming Coming Home Door Home
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Chair Dying Electric He
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Fed Friend Liked Me
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

After Born Had I Was Born
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Again Boyfriend Broke Her
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Around Came Carries Father
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Dog Drink Glass Kisses
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