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"1066 Funny Quotes

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Coming Drinking Going Juice
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

Ask Big Get How
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Feed Me Mother Shot
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Bartender Her Me Psychiatrist
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Father Finger He I Remember
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I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Cigarette General He Me
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Asleep Blind Blind Man Day
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Bath Could Hated Me
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

Another Came Cement Felt
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Happy Met Then Were
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

Born Doctor I Was Born Mother
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My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Chocolate Cook Got Made
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I've only slept with men I've been married to. How many women can make that claim?

Been Claim How Make
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If someone's dumb enough to offer me a million dollars to make a picture, I'm certainly not dumb enough to turn it down.

Certainly Dollars Down Dumb
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My mother says I didn't open my eyes for eight days after I was born, but when I did, the first thing I saw was an engagement ring. I was hooked.

After Born Days Did
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People who know me well, call me Elizabeth. I dislike Liz.

Call Dislike Elizabeth Elizabeth I
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Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

Been Best Dogs Horses
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I fell off my pink cloud with a thud.

Cloud Fell Off Pink
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All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.

Desk Nuclear Nuclear Power Plant
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When people say, 'She's got everything', I've got one answer - I haven't had tomorrow.

Answer Everything Got Had
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I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

Afternoon Awake Coffee Drink
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The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

English English Language Government Help
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I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.

About Am Big Big Enough
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No matter what time it is, wake me, even if it's in the middle of a Cabinet meeting.

Cabinet Even Matter Me
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After a hard day of basic training, you could eat a rattlesnake.

After Basic Could Day
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If anyone else played Hermione, it would actually kill me.

Actually Anyone Anyone Else Else
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I was an illegitimate, well, I still am an illegitimate child.

Am Child Illegitimate Still
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Justice Scalia and I served together on the D.C. Circuit. So his votes are not surprising to me. What I like about him is that he's very funny and very smart.

About Circuit Funny He
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If you're staying at home, broke, you're in quarantine, but if you're staying at home, broke and with trouble wife, you're in total lockdown

Quarantine Broke Home Money
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He is a drunkard who takes more than three glasses though he be not drunk.

Drunk Drunkard Glasses He
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He who always thinks the soup is too much for the eba cannot handle greatness.

Greatness Eba Soup Thinks
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You are a little soul carrying around a corpse.

Around Carrying Corpse Little
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Stay away from negative people. Except they are negative to Coronarirus. Draw close to positive people. Unless they are positive to COVID19

Coronarirus Negative people COVID19 Positive people
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We feel free when we escape - even if it be but from the frying pan to the fire.

Escape Even Feel Fire
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I've never understood having crushes on people who you don't know in real life.

Crushes Having Know Life
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I try to avoid wearing black because sometimes it's the easy option. But I'm young, so it's nice to be able to play with color and not just wear black all the time. I can save that for when I'm older.

Able Avoid Because Black
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I think there's this idea that lipstick is something quite old or something you'd only wear at night.

I Think Idea Lipstick Night
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Ignoring fame was my rebellion, in a funny way. I was insistent on being normal and doing normal things. It probably wasn't advisable to go to college in America and room with a complete stranger. And it probably wasn't wise to share a bathroom with eight other people in a coed dorm. Looking back, that was crazy.

Advisable America Back Bathroom
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I have to really enjoy the good things because it makes the bad things OK.
Bad Bad Things Because Enjoy
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It's as much fun to scare as to be scared.

Fun Much Scare Scared
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I don't do comedy so much although I would like to do a comedy.

Although Comedy Like Much
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I'd like to do a romantic comedy.
Comedy Like Romantic
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I am neither of the East nor of the West, no boundaries exist within my breast.

Am Boundaries East Exist
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When I have an idea, I turn down the flame, as if it were a little alcohol stove, as low as it will go. Then it explodes and that is my idea.

Alcohol Down Flame Go
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When you look at the word VIRUS, there are only 2 vowels. I and U.

Virus Vowels Look Word
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I know now that there is no one thing that is true - it is all true.

Know No One Now One Thing
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An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

Drunk Fools Forced His
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Asked Chest Directions Growing
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Anyone Birth Car Given
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I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Alphabet Die Ever Got
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