When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

Erma Bombeck

Stand Gave Talent Hope

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When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Erma Bombeck

Civilization Goes Humor When

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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Erma Bombeck

Buried Egyptians Forever Get

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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Erma Bombeck

Asked Chest Directions Growing

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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Erma Bombeck

Courage Dreams Else Lot

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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Erma Bombeck

Book Book Club Club Computer

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Erma Bombeck

Died Doctor Go Never

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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Erma Bombeck

About Child Drop Expected

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Erma Bombeck

Better Could Created God

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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Erma Bombeck

Before Bit Could End

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Erma Bombeck

Anyone Birth Car Given

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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Erma Bombeck

Been Companion Dinner Done

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I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Erma Bombeck

Alphabet Die Ever Got

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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

Dead Football Football Games Games

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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Erma Bombeck

Better Laugh Make You

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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Erma Bombeck

Confuse Fame Madonna Other

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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Erma Bombeck

Awake Child Christmas Morning

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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Erma Bombeck

Anything Children Danced Eat

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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Erma Bombeck

Dreamers Dreams Lonely Only

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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Erma Bombeck

Become Compassion Judgment Mother

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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

Come Humor Hurt Laughter

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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Erma Bombeck

Beverage Come Considered Family

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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Erma Bombeck

Carpet Children Courage House

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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Erma Bombeck

Alone Being Call Child

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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Erma Bombeck

Automobile Car Come Designers

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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Erma Bombeck

Anyone Belongs Carousel Did

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For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Erma Bombeck

Easy Lasts Longer Marriages

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House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Erma Bombeck

Bad Go Guests House

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Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Erma Bombeck

Housework Right Will You

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I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Erma Bombeck

About Blow Brain Computer

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I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

Clothes Copy GeographiLeaf Live

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I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Erma Bombeck

Accent Any Buy Cosmetic

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Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Erma Bombeck

Brought Cereal Controversial Family

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Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Erma Bombeck

Battery Car Go Guarantees

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Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Erma Bombeck

Entertaining Grown Kids Most

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My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Erma Bombeck

Always Bathroom Car Groceries

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Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Erma Bombeck

Done Go Graduated High

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Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Car Children More Never

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Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Erma Bombeck

Body Excess Food Never

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Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Erma Bombeck

Baseball Gossip Me National

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"40 Erma Bombeck Quotes & Sayings

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Erma Bombeck

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck

I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.

Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

Erma Bombeck

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.

Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Quotes & Sayings