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"1066 Funny Quotes

To me, comedy is a game.

Comedy A Game Me
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Accept every blind date you can get, even with a girl who wears jeans. Maybe you can talk her out of them.

Blind date Girl Jeans Talk
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Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

Away Because Fun Funny
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I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
Funny I Think Kid Me
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If he's got golf clubs in his truck or a camper in his driveway, I don't hire him.

Camper Clubs Driveway Golf
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I don't drink water, haven't drank water in 40 years.
Drank Drink Water Years
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Coronavirus did not come to destroy humanity. Rather, it came to make humanity discover our hidden potential. Would you have believed that you could stay home with your wife and kids and not go crazy? That is worth more than money. It is gold

Coronavirus Destroy Humanity Discover
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Jim Carrey, a comic genius, has a harder time overcoming the public's desire for him to be funny simply because he's so good at it.

Because Comic Desire Funny
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One mustn't ask apple trees for oranges, France for sun, women for love, life for happiness.

Apple Ask France Happiness
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Each wasted second is a second wasted.
Wasted Second Each
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I also don't think the comedy industry is congested. If it is congested, then people should stop laughing.

Comedy Congested Laughing
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It was the short men that caused all the trouble in the world.
Caused Men Short Trouble
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If it sells, it sells. If it doesn't sell, I'll go make a movie.
Go Make Movie Sell
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Our records, if you have a dark sense of humor, were funny, but our records weren't about comedy. They were about protests, fantasy, confrontation and all that.

About Comedy Confrontation Dark
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It's funny how people who ain't never been down there can think that America is so fair and that we should be alright. It's funny that the people who have their foot on our neck are telling us, 'Get up. What's wrong with you?'

Alright America Been Down
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I was into Spider Man when I was a kid and that was the only comic I've ever read.

Comic Ever Kid Man
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I tend to stay away from the comics.
Away Comics Stay Tend
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Free smoke, free Hennessy. More life to my enemies

Free Smoke Hennessy Enemies
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All dead trees decay and go to hell. But if you light it up, and inhale it, the smoke carries their soul to heaven.

Trees Hell Decay Smoke
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Well, I don't use the toilet much to pee in. I almost always pee in the yard or the garden, because I like to pee on my estate.

Almost Always Because Estate
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I have no idea why a guy would bring a jar of peanut butter to a concert.

Bring Butter Concert Guy
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You'd think that radio was around long enough that someone would have coined a word for staring into space.

Around Enough Long Radio
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What keeps me going is that this I all there is. I am a comedian, and this is what I do. It's like telling a fish to stop swimming. It'll die.

Am Comedian Die Fish
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Getting to prove yourself in a room that's not your typical demo is an experience every comic should try. It makes you better.

Better Comic Demo Every
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My comedy is a bit cartoonlike, if I really think about it.

About Bit Comedy Really
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You can make people laugh, but having them really want to hear what you have to say, that takes trust and time.

Having Hear Laugh Make
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I've been entertaining men with my comedy for many, many years, and I don't plan on stopping.
Been Comedy Entertaining Many
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I think more than anything, as a comedian, I grow tired of the unoriginality of 'crazy cat lady' jokes. It's a hacky joke based on an already-played-out stereotype.

Anything Base Cat Comedian
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If you want to be bitch, try be the classy one not the cheap one.

Bitch Classy Cheap one
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There's nothing romantic about my work... I don't believe in inspiration. I believe that you get to your desk, you stay there, you work, you think of nothing else. You write and you write, and in the end, you write something good.

About Believe Desk Else
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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.

Expecting World Treat Fairly
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I always joke that, at any given time, I'm supposed to be at two other places.
Always Any Any Given Time Given
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There is a big difference between a human being and being human

Human being Big Difference
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Everybody grows but me.

Everybody Attitude Grows Me
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No, I won't inherit anybody's enemy.

Inherit Anybody Enemy
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Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Stands Man Every Behind
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A liar should have a good memory.
Good Good Memory Liar Memory
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Samklef goes to school

Samklef School
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When I was in high school,we were, like, 4,000 or 5,000 students, and 50 girls - and I didn't have a date for my prom. My father paid my cousin to take me.

Cousin Date Father Girl
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Anything you can do in excess for the wrong reasons is exciting to me.

Anything Excess Exciting Me
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Any cook should be able to run the country.
Able Any Cook Country
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Everyone wants to be Cary Grant. Even I want to be Cary Grant.

Cary Grant Even Everyone Grant
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To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent. She can't wait to disprove it.

Disprove Her Opposite Opposite Sex
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It's hard to find normal celebrities.

Celebrities Find Hard Normal
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When people tell you how young you look, they are telling you how old you are.

How Look Old People
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I realized that I was about to turn 30, and Batman was permanently 29. And I was going to be damned if I was older than Batman.

About Batman Going Older
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If you tell the world the recipe for the dish you plan to cook and sell tomorrow, someone will cook and sell it today and everyone will say you copied them. Keep your plans secret.

World Recipe Secret Tomorrow
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A boy ‘tells’ you, A man ‘shows’ you.

A boy Tells Shows A man
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When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Away Flyer Hands Here
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

Belt Down Happening Hero
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