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"1066 Funny Quotes

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Could Crazy Live Person
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If you want your writing to be taken seriously, don't marry and have kids, and above all, don't die. But if you have to die, commit suicide. They approve of that.

Above Approve Commit Die
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The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it.

Comic Feeling Humor Opposite
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The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too.

Dog Fool Great He
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Perhaps I am not as wise as I like to think I am.

Am I Am Like Perhaps
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Nobody shoots at Santa Claus.

Nobody Santa Shoots
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Fun wouldn't be the right word... it was the most difficult, challenging, physical, extraordinary stretch I've ever had to make, in all those wild regards.

Challenging Difficult Ever Extraordinary
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I was not particularly bright, I wasn't very athletic, I was a little too tall, odd, funny looking, I was just really weird as a kid.

Athletic Bright Funny Just
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I would love to do something like Austin Powers to show off my comic timing.

Austin Austin Powers Comic Like
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I'd like to classify my life as a romantic comedy. Unfortunately I feel it's probably more like a TV reality show.

Classify Comedy Feel I Feel
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All of us are mad. If it weren't for the fact every one of us is slightly abnormal, there wouldn't be any point in giving each person a separate name.

Abnormal Any Each Every
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I might literally fall over dead if I meet Oprah Winfrey. I'm kind of joking, but I'm not confident that wouldn't happen.

Confident Dead Fall Happen
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People were stopping me on the street to say, 'Oh my God, it's Crazy Eyes!' Which is kind of a funny thing to have people shout at you on the street.

Crazy Eyes Funny Funny Thing
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I'm a bad liar; I don't know what to say backstage.
Backstage Bad Know Liar
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We were not allowed to say, Screw, but we could say, Hump the hostess, because hump is in Shakespeare.

Allowed Because Could Hostess
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I'm good at working, but I'm very good at playing.

Good Playing Very Working
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I've stolen a couple of hearts and they are in my private collection!
Collection Couple Hearts Private
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Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Attention Deserves Drive Girl
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The devil's voice is sweet to hear.

Devil Hear Sweet Voice
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I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.

Be Prepared Funny Guess Houses
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I was the first woman to burn my bra - it took the fire department four days to put it out.
Bra Burn Days Department
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Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.

Change Comedians Crowd Directions
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The only thing that can make Nigerians happy on twitter is giveaway.

Happy Giveaway Twitter Nigerians
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I won an amateur night, October 8th, 1985. I went to work the next day and quit my job.

Amateur Day Job Next
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Radio 1 doesn't exist to me. I don't judge my success by anything they say.

Anything Exist Judge Me
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In school, I wasn't like the cool guy who had all the new clothes and had all the girls. I felt like the world saw me as an idiot.

Clothes Cool Cool Guy Felt
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Action without a name, a 'who' attached to it, is meaningless.
Action Attached Meaningless Name
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A fat stomach never breeds fine thoughts.

Breeds Fat Fine Never
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I was really too honest a man to be a politician and live.
Honest Live Man Politician
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Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Just A Sometimes Cigar
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If I hadn't fought back, I might have been Gidget forever.

Back Been Forever Fought
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Laughter heals all wounds, and that's one thing that everybody shares. No matter what you're going through, it makes you forget about your problems. I think the world should keep laughing.

Laughter Heals All Wound
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I'm a whopping 5 foot 4 inches tall. I'm not going to get any taller.

I'm Whooping Foot Inches
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The nicest thing is to open the newspapers and not to find yourself in them.

Find Newspapers Nicest Open
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People still believe what they read is necessarily the truth.
Believe Necessarily People Read
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I like trying to get pregnant. I'm not so sure about childbirth.
About Childbirth Get Like
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When you are already in Detroit, you don't have to take a bus to get there.

Bus Detroit Get Take
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Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit.

Consist Dam Day Every
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Girls: If your boyfriend is a good listener….he's probably thinking of something else when you're talking.

Girls Boyfriend Good listener Thinking
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As a child, my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

Child Menu Choices Leave
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The Only time a Man Can Remember All The girls he had Slept with is ....When his HIV RESULT is delayed.

HIV Girls Slept Delayed
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Your boyfriend should not be your source of income. My dear its a relationship, not a job opportunity.

Boyfriend Source Income Relationship
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Because I remember, I despair. Because I remember, I have the duty to reject despair.
Because Despair Duty I Remember
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I can't imagine God not allowing my dog into heaven.
Allowing Dog God Heaven
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It occured to me that eating is the only form of professionalism most people ever attain.

Attain Eating Ever Form
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You can be a little ungrammatical if you come from the right part of the country.

Come Country Little Part
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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Age Always Birthday Diplomat
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Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Cowardice Engaging Humor Most
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Credit cards are like snakes: Handle 'em long enough, and one will bite you.
Bite Cards Credit Credit Cards
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Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Call Hour Moves Nothing
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