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"50 Larry David Quotes & Sayings

      American     /     View profile
Born: 2 July 1947 | Comedian | Writer | Actor | Film director |

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Chocolate Eat Fight Fighting
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There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
Also Certain Funny Jews
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Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Humiliating Involve Man Most
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And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Emerged Eventually Kept Me
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Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Anyone Bald Confident Diamond
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At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

Character Doing First Gonna
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Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
Back Crazy Drives Even
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Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
Every Just Precarious Relationship
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I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Army Because Bush End
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I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

About Anyone Emotional Even
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I just feed off the energy of the audience.
Audience Energy Feed Just
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I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
After Just Laughs Really
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I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Become Comedy Doing Had
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I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Future Good Had Homeless
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I'm a walking, talking enigma.

Enigma A Talking Walking
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I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

At Least One Continue Empty Ensure
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If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

About Becomes Feeling Funny
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It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Comedy Coming Hear Kind
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Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

Glad Improvised Most Scene
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Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

Being Glamorous Had Look
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The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

Anymore Change I Can Only
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Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Bleak Days Doing Some
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Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

Happy Know Only Really
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When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

Around Good Homeless Living
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When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
Complete Complete Freedom Concerned Freedom
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Women love a self-confident bald man.

Bald Love Man Women
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You write about what you know.

About Know Write You
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It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Began Country Dawn Home
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There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

After Been Better Day
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There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

Emphasis Generally Jokes Life
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Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Able Bad Birds Deaf
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It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

Affectionate Around Day Every
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I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

Am Comedian Could Feel
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I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.

About Audience Energy Feed
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I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

Committed Couple Doing First
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Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

Gets Headline Man Married
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I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

Albeit Decent Done Inadvertently
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I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

Being Comedian Great Interested
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I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

First Fish Learned Night
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I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

Cab Drove Had Job
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Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

About Actually Around Casual
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I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Come Go House Know
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When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

Being Cross Dealing Get
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I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

Anonymous Was As Quite
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I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

Anything Reading Said Stand
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Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
After Divorce Home Lights
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If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

About Could Course Going
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The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

American Food Hot Like
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I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

Am Any Anyone Been
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I have reservations about everything I do.

About Have Everything Reservations
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Larry David Quotes & Sayings