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"50 Patton Oswalt Quotes & Sayings

      American     /     View profile
Born: 27 January 1969 | Comedian | Actor | Writer |

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Gold He Head Hit
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It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.
Bad Being Bunch Country
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George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

Between Bush Difference Evil
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I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Drink Much You
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90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

Art Dance Drive Every
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I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form.

Able Art Before Beginning
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I think right now is the best time for stand-up, ever. I sincerely do.

Best Ever Now Right
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I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

Bad Comedians Death Dried
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Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.

Began Early Few Funny
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I mean, all alternative comedy is are comedians that have being doing it for so long, for so long, that they were relaxed enough to start becoming personal on stage.

Alternative Becoming Being Comedians
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I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

Books Coming Early Ghost
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I'm not familiar with the metric system.
Familiar Metric System
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I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

Anything Butter Fact Few
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I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

Beat Had Inside Me
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I remember, when 9/11 went down, my reaction was, 'Well, I've had it with humanity.' But I was wrong.
Down Had Humanity Reaction
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We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

Alive Eaten Evil Here
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Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how to budget your paycheck.

Adolescence Based Because Bill
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As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

Am Aware Body Exactly
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With acting, you see some of the kids are literally just off the street, untrained, and they are great. And others are off the street, untrained, and kind of horrible.

Acting Great Horrible Just
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In my mind, I was always a comedian who was going to branch into writing.
Always Branch Comedian Going
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All the truly great stand-ups say, 'I go onstage, and I work on jokes. The inspiration will happen while I'm doing my work.' To me, in the end, the surest thing is work.

Doing End Go Great
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Before doing my first open mic, I was sitting in the back watching all these comedians banter back and forth and fire jokes and up each other, and I thought, 'This is where I wanna be.'

Back Before Comedians Doing
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To get asked to do stuff like 'United States Of Tara' and 'Caprica' is terrific. I can't complain.

Asked Complain Get Like
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There's nothing wrong with doing comedies, and I'm not against comedies, either, but I always want to do stuff that keeps me off my guard and gets me out of my comfort zone.

Against Always Comedies Comfort
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I'm going to continue to try to strike a balance, because I really, really do love doing stand-up, and I don't see why it should affect the acting.

Affect Balance Because Continue
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Knock on wood, my groupies tend to be very artistic, creative people - sometimes way more creative than I am.

Am Artistic Creative Groupies
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One of my groupies gave me a film that they made, and it ended up being amazing, so I got it shown at South by Southwest. If I can help get their stuff out there, then great.

Amazing Being Ended Film
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Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.

Choosing Deeper Dudes End
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Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience; you can't pre-judge an audience based on the size of the room or the type of room.

Audience Based Different Even
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I'm always trying out new stuff onstage. That's where I do all my writing.

Always New Onstage Out
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If you actually do cold readings, it's very close to how people actually talk, because you're experiencing these thoughts anew every moment, and trying to make them come out coherently.

Actually Anew Because Close
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I have a very tiny house in Burbank. I drive an 8-year-old car. I'm gonna drive it into the ground. I enjoy what I enjoy.

Car Drive Enjoy Gonna
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Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you're not being a slave to your possessions.
Being Enough Go Hand
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I like to write, I like to do stand-up, I like to act.

Act Like Write
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There are times when I have to take, I call it a 'silence bath,' where I shut off all of the external gadgets. I go walk around, talk to people, and just live life for a while.

Around Bath Call External
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I know how my body operates differently from what it did when it was 30 and when it was 20. As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

Am Aware Body Did
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If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on a Friday, go do a couple theaters Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, come home.

Actually Because Come Could
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Doing 'Young Adult' was really reassuring to me in a lot of ways. It confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about great actors.

About Actor Adult Confirmed
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I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every day.

Because Conversations Day Every
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The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

Card Chicken Corporation Fried
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Here's what I'm afraid of. I know a lot of comedians, friends of mine, who just got into the 'Doesn't matter what I say. It doesn't matter. They're just gonna laugh anyway.'

Afraid Anyway Comedians Friends
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I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

About Airport Comedy Cynical
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If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.
Comedic Funny Going Laugh
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When you put an album out, you can't do any material from the album if people are paying to see you.
Album Any Material Out
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As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative.

Acting Draw Imaginative Know
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Beyond any role that I ever had, really early on as a stand-up, I would see actors decide to try it and they would bomb miserably. What I realized was that stand-up, acting and writing are all their own disciplines.

Acting Actor Any Beyond
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Any acting job that I ever got, I always treated it like I was a neophyte; I didn't know what I was doing, and I was going to work just as hard as I do on my stand-up.

Acting Always Any Doing
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I really had to imagine the kind of person that I would have been if I had never left my hometown. I don't think I would have been a very pleasant person.

Been Had Hometown Imagine
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I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.
Bugs Bunny Deep Down
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I never said that movies were struggling behind TV. I'm just saying that movies have a better creative cache.
Behind Better Creative Just
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Patton Oswalt Quotes & Sayings