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2431 Comedian Quotes

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Care Children Enough Know
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They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one

Bank Busy Except Local
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Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Children Date Guy IThink
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The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Actually Amount Exceed Grieving
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Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

Bathroom Consistently Fall Get
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Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Actually Breasts Having Large
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Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Bad Barbie Because Grow
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I suffer from peroxide phobia. Every time I've gotten near a blond woman, something of mine has disappeared. Jobs, boyfriends... one time an angora sweater leaped right off my body.

Blond Body Boyfriend Disappeared
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I love to write jokes and that's all I think about.

About ILove IThink Jokes
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I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

Easily Me Person Pleased
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I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

Feeling Get Happy IWrite
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If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

Audience Feel FeelGood Good
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I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.
Animal Better Companion Dogs
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I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Because Conversation Like Makes
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I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

Again Around Before Business
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I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

Comic Decided Desire Had
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There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

Better Different DifferentKinds Fit
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My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Act How Make Money
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Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Chocolate Eat Fight Fighting
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When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.

Basics Dancer First Grand
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There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
Also Certain Funny Jews
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I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

Envelope Just Laugh Make
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Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Humiliating Involve Man Most
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And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Emerged Eventually Kept Me
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Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act.

Act Advantage Always Audience
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Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Anyone Bald Confident Diamond
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At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

Character Doing First Gonna
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Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
Back Crazy Drives Even
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Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
Every Just Precarious Relationship
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I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Army Because Bush End
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I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

About Anyone Emotional Even
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I just feed off the energy of the audience.
Audience Energy Feed Just
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I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
After Just Laughs Really
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I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

Become Comedy Doing Had
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I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Future Good Had Homeless
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I'm a walking, talking enigma.

Enigma A Talking Walking
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I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

At Least One Continue Empty Ensure
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If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

About Becomes Feeling Funny
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It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

Comedy Coming Hear Kind
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Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

Glad Improvised Most Scene
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Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

Being Glamorous Had Look
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The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.

Anymore Change I Can Only
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Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Bleak Days Doing Some
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Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.

Happy Know Only Really
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When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

Around Good Homeless Living
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When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
Complete Complete Freedom Concerned Freedom
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Women love a self-confident bald man.

Bald Love Man Women
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You write about what you know.

About Know Write You
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It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Began Country Dawn Home
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There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.

After Been Better Day
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