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2431 Comedian Quotes

I don't think you should write a book until you tell the absolute truth. You can't do that until you're 85, and I don't want to live that long. I've always prided myself on knowing when to get off, and I hope it works out that way.

Absolute Absolute Truth Always Book
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I don't know how to tell a joke. I never tell jokes. I can tell stories that happened to me... anecdotes. But never a joke.

Anecdotes Happened How I Can
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I wanted to get out of the pictures and stay home so that I could have children.

Children Could Get Home
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Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Anger Children Experts Feeling
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Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

Because Believe Bigger Decrease
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The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Gives Just Learn Nobody
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My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.

Apparel Because Emphasis Gays
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Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

About Complain Month Myself
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I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.

Being Beneath Earth Every
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There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

Being Hell Lot More
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My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.

Agreement Husband Mutual Pact
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As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.
Alive Done Feel Gets
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The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.

Chest Heart His Man
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I was completely nuts for most of my life.

Life Most Nuts
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I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people... that's why I don't like any of them.

Any Consider Good Judge
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It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.

About Fat Just Okay
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Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Bed Before Birth Control
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Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.

Divorce Last Marriage Seriously
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I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

Came Comic Here Laugh
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The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.

Any Better Fact Get
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I needed an outlet in high school and came across painting. I've actually been painting longer than I've been acting. A movie is a collaborative effort, and with painting you just have yourself.

Across Acting Actually Been
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I don't even like to sleep - I feel as if there's too much to do.
Even Feel I Feel Like
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A lot of the people in San Francisco think of themselves as healers - not just as people delivering this base service, but giving their clients spiritual help. It's almost like being an actor, playing a different part for each trick.

Actor Almost Base Being
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I become kind of obsessive about research.
About Become Kind Obsessive
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I was kind of scared of failing at acting.
Acting Failing Kind Scared
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When I research a role it does get a little crazy and maybe even a little stupid.

Crazy Does Even Get
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I worked the drive-through at McDonald's and tried out different accents - Italian, Russian, Irish.

Accents Different Irish Italian
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When I was a child, I wanted to be an actor, but I had really bad buckteeth. I didn't want to get braces, but my mom said I couldn't be an actor if I didn't get the braces. So, I got the braces.

Actor Bad Braces Child
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Acting is an art form and you want to take roles that are challenged and it's more of a challenge I think to play dark characters. Not that I want to always play those, but it is a challenge and challenges are rewarding and fun.

Acting Always Art Art Form
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It's hard when you're doing a film based on a true story to really figure out what all those relationships were.

Based Doing Figure Film
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When we were doing 'Freaks and Geeks', I didn't quite understand how movies and TV worked, and I would improvise even if the camera wasn't on me. I thought I was helping the other actors by keeping them on their toes, but nobody appreciated it when I would trip them up. So I was improvising a little bit back then, but not in a productive way.

Actor Appreciated Back Bit
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I am not going to be the guy who's not pulling his weight.
Am Going Guy His
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But I don't want to die! I have so much to do!

Die Much Want Do
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If the work is good, what does it matter? I'm doing it because I love it. Why not do as many things I love as I can? As long as the work is good.

Because Does Doing Good
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It feels really sad, to me, to go to a dark bedroom. It's like surrendering to the night or something.

Bedroom Dark Feels Go
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The general view is that actors start on soaps and then maybe graduate to prime-time television or film; normally you don't see a film actor going to do a soap.

Actor Actor Film General
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I'm starting to teach now: I teach in the graduate film program at NYU and next year I'm going to be teaching at Los Angeles at the film program and English program at UCLA.

Angeles English Film Going
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I was an English major at UCLA when I was 18, and then I left after a year to start acting. I was educating myself during that time.

Acting After Educating English
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Not having any real direction, one writer would lead me to another.

Another Any Direction Having
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When I went to film school about three years ago, the first two years you're required to make a series of short films. I started making films based on short poems.

About Based Film Film School
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One of the things I've learned as a filmmaker is to have some aspect of the movie be something that I admire greatly, whether that's an actor I'm working with, the subject matter, or a book.

Actor Admire Aspect Book
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If I'm working on a film, I'll do sit-ups for before I shoot. Like, 100 in the morning or something.

Before Film Like Morning
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I'm a big cardigan sweater guy.
Big Guy Sweater Cardigan
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There's a tendency, when you're directing yourself, not to give the performance as much care, because you feel like there's too much focus on yourself, or that all these people are just standing around setting everything up, waiting for you.

Around Because Care Directing
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When I was starting out, doing guest spots on TV, and even commercials, I would go in with a whole crazy wardrobe and some terrible accent. Obviously, I was doing too much. If you bring too much flavor to it, it's absurd. There's something to just being spontaneous.

Absurd Accent Being Bring
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You work really hard to make it, and maybe you get some acclaim, but then you realize there are certain limitations as an actor.

Actor Certain Get Hard
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I'm a huge Cormac McCarthy fan and have read every book of his.
Book Every Fan His
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I don't go on vacation. I don't really need vacation.
Go Need Really Vacation
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I feel like because I've done more gay characters, gay scenes, or gay projects than most straight actors, people see it as some sort of mission. It's more of a case-by-case basis, and just trying to capture figures that I love. I guess that a lot of the figures that I love were gay.

Actor Basis Because Capture
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There's a tacit belief that actors shouldn't write books, they're sort of allowed to direct movies but there will be a lot of skepticism, and they shouldn't do artwork or music. There are these invisible roadblocks to gain entree to these areas for actors, and you kind of have to crash through those invisible barriers.

Actor Allowed Area Artwork
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