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2431 Comedian Quotes

I know what I look like - a weird, sad clown puppet. I'm fine with that.

Clown Fine Know Like
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I think God has a tremendous sense of humor.

God Humor Sense Think
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Some of the biggest movie stars in the world are essentially characters.

Biggest Characters Essentially Movie
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I would love to see some comedies about loser women.

About Comedies Loser Love
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I'm about as big a star as the Baha'i faith has got, which is pretty pathetic.

About Big Faith Got
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Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations

Always Around Brought Happiness
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Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
Actions Cannot Care Forming
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I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Cosmetic Doctor Full Going
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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Cult Dogs IWonder Members
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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Before Fallen Few Husband
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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Annoy Being Find Great
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Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Better Bought Ear Experienced
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Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Eighteen Feeling Get God
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I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Leaning Started Sunlight Toward
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It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Annoy Find Great Life
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My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Boyfriend Broke Get GetMarried
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To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Attract Car Interior Men
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Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Ask Children First Guy
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Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Air Build Castles Live
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I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
Ears Gracefully Grow Meet
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My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Buried Grandmother Husbands Just
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The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.

About Aerobic Call Came
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I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Better Bought Ear Experienced
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Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

Always Better Dresses Fire
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My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.

Buried Husbands Mother Napping
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I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

Anything Children Even Feels
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My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives

Buy Carpet Child Decide
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In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Hollywood Marriage Milk Outlast
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My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Age Around Day DayAndAge
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Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.

Two wrong Right Make Left
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When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

Things Bad Best time Reinvent
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It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
Great day White people Black Latinos
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I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

Come from Background Loving couples
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I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

Want Nobody Only way Somebody
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When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.

Look at Gospel Speaking How
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I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
Pay Back Happy First
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I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

Difficult childhood Surrounded Parent
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I never realized I could love people as much as I do now

Realized Love people Do now
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I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

I believe Things Care Strong political
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It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.

About black White Many people Mixed backgrounds
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If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

Worst thing Nobody laughs Deal Factory
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I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

Spent days Answering question Thank me
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I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

Love comedy Exercise Writing Years
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We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

Begun Bought Cheaper Dog
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I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

After Bad Better Break
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Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

Get How Humanity Lose
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When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Always Eventually First FirstName
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I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Ballet Because Class Got
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Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

After Before Better Day
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A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Bikini Country Die Fight
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