Menu

 Authors
A B C D E F
G H I J K L
M N O P Q R
S T U V W S
Y Z
Get Socialize
My Account
Make Free Wallpaper

2431 Comedian Quotes

I went to college and studied theater; I went to a theater conservatory. I live in New York because I wanted to do plays and still do plays.

Because College Conservatory Live
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Even more than getting married or having kids, I found losing a parent is what thrusts you into adulthood. For me it was. That was when the Earth tilted on its axis, and there was a paradigm shift, and I felt like a different person.

Adulthood Axis Different Earth
  Favorite Make wallpaper
There is a major part of who I am that does not feel like the alpha male.
Alpha Am Does Feel
  Favorite Make wallpaper

All I really wanted to be was a working actor.

Actor Really Wanted Working
  Favorite Make wallpaper
I'm a big fan of not working.
Big Fan Working
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Anything traumatic in my life I've always dealt with through jokes and comedy.

Always Anything Comedy Dealt
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Embarrassment and awkward situations are not foreign things to me.

Awkward Embarrassment Foreign Me
  Favorite Make wallpaper
My wife is very stealth-funny. She'll come out with something when I'm not expecting it, and it'll just kill me.
Come Expecting Just Me
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Kiss is a super - they are total businessmen. They pride themselves on it.

Businessmen Kiss Pride Super
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Awkwardness is such a gold mine for comedy.

Awkwardness Comedy Gold Mine
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I went through a phase where I thought it was really funny to make pratfalls in very crowded places. I jumped out of a moving car once, for a laugh. That was a mistake.

Car Crowded Funny Laugh
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Early on, I decided I would see if I could make a career work on my own terms.
Career Could Decided Early
  Favorite Make wallpaper

It's nice to be in anything that anybody sees or likes. If it's something that has lasted, it's great.

Anybody Anything Great Lasted
  Favorite Make wallpaper

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Help Getting older Get old
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate

Failure Something Love Success
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

Happiness Having Loving Family
  Favorite Make wallpaper

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

Takes Drink Drunk
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
Stay In bed Make money
  Favorite Make wallpaper

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Longevity Avoiding worry Stress
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Boy Dead sea Sick
  Favorite Make wallpaper

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Live One hundred People Age
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

Too bad People Country Taxicabs
  Favorite Make wallpaper

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Secret Good sermon Good ending
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life

Look Future Spend Life
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Retirement Ridiculous Had pimples
  Favorite Make wallpaper

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Getting old Shoelaces Wonder
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Be quick Learn
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.

Everything Goes up Come down
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Look Future Spend Life
  Favorite Make wallpaper

When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.

I die Intend Take My music
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to put on your clothes. You can't wait to get out. And you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

Happiness Getting up Morning
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

Respect Elders Reached Age
  Favorite Make wallpaper

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

Many ways Die Bed
  Favorite Make wallpaper

A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn't started yet.

Married couple Play's cards Fight
  Favorite Make wallpaper

A young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.

Young mind Wonderful Especially Old man
  Favorite Make wallpaper

My best advice: Fall in love with what you do for a living.

Best advice Love A living
  Favorite Make wallpaper

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

Happy Doing something Love
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Dwight is a sad clown. You've seen those paintings of sad clown.
Clown Paintings Sad Seen
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I think Dwight loves being number two. I don't think he has any desire to be number one. He wants to be number two no matter where he goes. It's like Avis. 'We try harder.' That's Dwight.

Any Being Desire Goes
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes.

Regular Sitcoms Terrible Jokes
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Pretty much anybody who's ever worked can relate to our show.

Anybody Ever Much Our
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Scotland is the Canada of England!

Canada England Scotland The
  Favorite Make wallpaper

The great challenge working on this show for me is wearing polyester all day long and having the worst haircut known to man at the top of my head and sitting under fluorescent lights. That is America, people. Polyester, bad haircuts, under fluorescent lights.

All America Bad Challenge
  Favorite Make wallpaper
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint you can at it.
Big Canvas Great Life
  Favorite Make wallpaper

To travel is to take a journey into yourself.

Journey Take Travel Yourself
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way.

Born Way Fool Took
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I'm just an entertainer. All I want to be is funny. I never aspired to play Hamlet.

Hamlet Play Aspired Funny
  Favorite Make wallpaper

I believe deeply that children are more powerful than oil, more beautiful than rivers, more precious than any other natural resource a country can have.

Country Natural Precious Rivers
  Favorite Make wallpaper

Who needs the protection of the Bill of Rights most? The weak, the most vulnerable in society.

Bill Most Needs Protection
  Favorite Make wallpaper

There is a danger in democracy itself.

Danger Democracy Itself
  Favorite Make wallpaper