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435 Humorist Quotes

I'll sign anything except bad legislation.

Will Sign Anything Except
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I'll keep us out of war with Oklahoma!

Keep Us Out Of
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I have a better head of hair than Rick Perry; it's just not in a place I can show you.
Have Better Head Hair
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I'm too young for Medicare and too old for women to care.

Too Young Medicare Old
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Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way.

Yes I'm Christian Jesus
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May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.

May The God Your
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And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

And Musicians Better Run
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You struggle with your demons and you conquer them.

You Struggle With Your
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The Democrats and Republicans are the same guy admiring themselves in the mirror.

Democrats Republic Same Guy
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Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

Well Jesus Both Jewish
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I'll tell you right now. I'm for prayer in school.

Tell You Right Now
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I don't remember the first half of my life. All I say is a happy childhood is the worst possible preparation for life.

Remember First Half Life
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The only currency I value is the coin of the spirit. That's very important in my life.

The Only Currency Value
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We were a country band with a social conscience.

We Were Country Band
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These days, there are many people around the world who listen to the songs that made me infamous and read the books that made me respectable.

Days There Many People
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William Bennett is my patron saint, one of them. Redd Foxx is another.

William Bennett's My Patron
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No, nothing has changed in my life at all, and nothing would change if I had millions.

Nothing Has Changed My
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I've always said money may buy you a fine dog, but only love can make it wag its tail.

Always Said Money May
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The first thing I'll do if elected is demand a recount.

Elected First Thing Demands
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I see an issue I like, and I support it.

See Issue Like Support
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Young people are the key to this election.

Young People The Key
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We've had to be creative to get on the ballot.
We've Had Be Creative
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I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

Admit To Drinking It
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Students don't know who Mark Twain was because he wasn't on the test.
Students Don't Know Who
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How can you look at the Texas legislature and still believe in intelligent design?

How Can You Look
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When humor goes, there goes civilization.
Civilization Goes Humor When
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Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Buried Egyptians Forever Get
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What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

Asked Chest Directions Growing
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It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Courage Dreams Else Lot
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Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Book Book Club Club Computer
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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Died Doctor Go Never
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One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and how old he or she is.

About Child Drop Expected
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God created man, but I could do better.
Better Could Created God
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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Before Bit Could End
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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

Anyone Birth Car Given
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For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Been Companion Dinner Done
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I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

Alphabet Die Ever Got
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If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Dead Football Football Games Games
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If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

Better Laugh Make You
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Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Confuse Fame Madonna Other
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There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Awake Child Christmas Morning
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In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Anything Children Danced Eat
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Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Dreamers Dreams Lonely Only
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It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

Become Compassion Judgment Mother
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There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

Come Humor Hurt Laughter
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I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Beverage Come Considered Family
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All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Carpet Children Courage House
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Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Alone Being Call Child
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Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Automobile Car Come Designers
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Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Anyone Belongs Carousel Did
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