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435 Humorist Quotes

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.

Stand Gave Talent Hope
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The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

Together Living Admired Conception
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Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed be the facts.

Alcohol Man Good Opinion
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I am convinced that there are times in everybody's experience when there is so much to be done, that the only way to do it is to sit down and do nothing.

Convinced Sit Down Nothing
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There are no little things.

Little Universe Hinges Called
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The cream of enjoyment in this life is always impromptu. The chance walk; the unexpected visit; the unpremeditated journey; the unsought conversation or acquaintance.
Cream Life Chance Unexpected
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The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Heart Stomach Way Man
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Experience is an excellent doctor, though he never had a diploma.
Doctor Diploma Excellent Experience
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Uncles and aunts, and cousins, are all very well, and fathers and mothers are not to be despised; but a grandmother, at holiday time, is worth them all.

Despised Holiday Worth Father
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Too much indulgence has ruined thousands of children; too much love not one.

Love Ruined Indulgence Children
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To her, the name of father was another name for love.

Love Name Father Her
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To the Pilgrim Mothers, who not only had their full share of the hardships and privations of pioneer life but also had the Pilgrim Fathers to endure.

Full Share Pioneer Life
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Well, it is a humiliating reflection, that the straightest road to a man's heart is through his palate.

Palate Reflection Humilating Straightest
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The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.

Here Past Pleasant Better
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Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

Swearing Invented Fighting Compromise
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If Christian scientists had more science and doctors more Christianity, it wouldn't make any difference which you called in - if you had a good nurse.
Christain Science Good Nurse
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The world is not growing worse and it is not growing better - it is just turning around as usual.

World Worse Usual Turning
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The wise people are in New York because the foolish went there first, that's the way the wise men make a living.

People Wise First Living
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That is, no matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme coort follows th' iliction returns.

Follow Iliction Return Flag
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When the American people get through with the English language, it will look as if it had been run over by a musical comedy.

People Musical Comedy English
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Work is work if you're paid to do it, and it's a pleasure if you pay to be allowed to do it.

Work Paid Pleasure Allowed
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Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Ever Men's Once Door
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I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
Read Doctor Presciption Bill
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I am sure that the party system is right and necessary. There must be some scum.

Must Necessary Party Right
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A high-brow is someone who looks at a sausage and thinks of Picasso.

Looks Picasso Sausage Someone
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People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.

Act Any Fun Here
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The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time.
Critical Matrimony Period
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If nobody said anything unless he knew what he was talking about, a ghastly hush would descend upon the earth.

About Anything Descend Earth
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Let's find out what everyone is doing, And then stop everyone from doing it.

Doing Everyone Find Out
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Fate was dealing from the bottom of the deck.
Bottom Dealing Deck Fate
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Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin - it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.

Distant Dying Love Love Is
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Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.
21st Century Adult Century Learning
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He bit his lip in a manner which immediately awakened my maternal sympathy, and I helped him bite it.

Bit Bite He Helped
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The fact is that all of us have only one personality, and we wring it out like a dishtowel. You are what you are.

Fact Like Only Out
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I'll dispose of my teeth as I see fit, and after they've gone, I'll get along. I started off living on gruel, and by God, I can always go back to it again.

After Again Along Always
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A happy childhood... is the worst possible preparation for life.

Happy Childhood The Worst
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You have to pretend that your life is a financial pleasure even when your autographs are bouncing.

Pretend Have That Your
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I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Even Went So Far
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If Willie Nelson had been Rosa Parks, there never would have been a civil rights movement in this country, because he refuses to leave the back of the bus.

Willie Nelson Had Been
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Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.

Remember All Is Singular
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I support gay marriage. I believe they have a right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
Support Gay Marriage Believe
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We've got to clear some of the room out of the prisons so we can put the bad guys in there, like the pedophiles and the politicians.

Got Clear Some Room
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Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Musicians Run Can State
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I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

Just Want Texas Be
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If you ain't Texan, I ain't got time for you.
If You Ain't Texan
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I admit to drinking it, but I did not swallow.

Admit To Drinking It
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When I'm governor... I'll be the first governor with a listed telephone number.

When Governor Be The
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The teachers are getting screwed, blued, and tattooed by the system.

The Teachers Are Getting
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We're first on executions. We're 49th in funding public education. We're in a race with Mississippi for the bottom, and we're winning.

First Executions Were Funding
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Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.

Politics The Only Field
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