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435 Humorist Quotes

A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood.

Because Behind Communicate Driven
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I never cease being dumbfounded by the unbelievable things people believe.

Being Believe Cease Never
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We see things as we are, not as they are.

See Things We see They
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Extremists think 'communication' means agreeing with them.

Agreeing Communication Extremists Means
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The only reason for being a professional writer is that you can't help it.

Being Help Only Professional
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Truth is stranger than fiction; fiction has to make sense.
Fiction Make Sense Stranger
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Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.
Any Babies Bad Dogs
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Courage is the capacity to confront what can be imagined.

Capacity Confront Courage Imagined
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Words must surely be counted among the most powerful drugs man ever invented.

Among Counted Ever Invented
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Why did God give me two ears and one mouth? So that I will hear more and talk less.

Did Ears Give Give Me
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The writer wants to be understood much more than he wants to be respected or praised or even loved. And that perhaps, is what makes him different from others.

Different Even He Him
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A husband is what is left of a lover, after the nerve has been extracted.

Husband Lover Nerve Extracted
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It isn't tying himself to one woman that a man dreads when he thinks of marrying; it's separating himself from all the others.

One woman Man dreads Marrying
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A man's heart may have a secret sanctuary where only one woman may enter, but it is full of little anterooms which are seldom vacant.

Man's heart Secret sanctuary Woman
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The hardest task in a girl's life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.
Hardest task Prove Man Intentions
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After a few years of marriage a man can look right at a woman without seeing her and a woman can see right through a man without looking at him.

Few years Man Woman Marriage
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A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Man Goodbye Woman Say it
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A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty and a boy forever.

A bachelor Idea Beauty Boy
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You will never win if you never begin.
Will never Win Begin
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There are people whose watch stops at a certain hour and who remain permanently at that age.

People Watch stops Hour Permanently
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Failing to be there when a man wants her is the greatest sin a woman can commit - except being there when he doesn't want her.

Man Greatest sin Woman Commit
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The follies which a man regrets the most in his life are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity.

Follies Man regrets Life Commit
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When a man spends his time giving his wife criticism and advice instead of compliments, he forgets that it was not his good judgment, but his charming manners, that won her heart.

Man spends Time Wife Criticism
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When two people decide to get a divorce, it isn't a sign that they 'don't understand' one another, but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.

Two people Divorce Understand
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To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Happy Man Understand Love
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What a man calls his 'conscience' is merely the mental action that follows a sentimental reaction after too much wine or love.

Conscience Mental action Sentimental reaction
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Don't waste time trying to break a man's heart; be satisfied if you can just manage to chip it in a brand new place.

Waste time Break Man's heart
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Marriage is the miracle that transforms a kiss from a pleasure into a duty.

Marriage Miracle Transform Kiss
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A man's desire for a son is usually nothing but the wish to duplicate himself in order that such a remarkable pattern may not be lost to the world.

Man's desire Duplicate Remarkable pattern
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Nowadays love is a matter of chance, matrimony a matter of money and divorce a matter of course.

Nowadays Love Matter Chance
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A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

Bride Second marriage Wear
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A man is like a cat; chase him and he will run - sit still and ignore him and he'll come purring at your feet.
Man Cat Run Ignore him
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In love, somehow, a man's heart is always either exceeding the speed limit, or getting parked in the wrong place.

Love Man's heart Exceeding Speed limit
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Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

Marriage Turning Chopsticks
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Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Before marriage Declares His life
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After marriage, a woman's sight becomes so keen that she can see right through her husband without looking at him, and a man's so dull that he can look right through his wife without seeing her.

Marriage Woman Keen Right
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Beautiful things don't ask for attention.

Beautiful things Ask Attention
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All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.

Human beings Learn Die Running from
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Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.

Humor Emotional chaos Tranquility
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Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around us in awareness.

Look back Anger In fear Awareness
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If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

Any belief Immortality Dogs Heaven
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Love is what you've been through with somebody

Love Been through Somebody
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I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

Think If women Children In charge
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The most dangerous food is wedding cake
Most dangerous Food Wedding cake
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I can feel a thing I cannot touch and touch a thing I cannot feel. The first is sad and sorry, the second is your heart.

Feel Thing Touch Sorry
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Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead.

Rise Early to Bed Male healthy
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Things have dropped from me. I have outlived certain desires; I have lost friends, some by death... others through sheer inability to cross the street.

Dropped Certain desires Friends Death
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We all have faults, mine is being wicked.

Have faults Being wicked
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Man has gone long enough, or even too long, without being man enough to face the simple truth that the trouble with man is man.

Man Face Simple truth Trouble
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Mutual suspicions of mental inadequacy are common during the first year of any marriage.

Mutual suspicions Mental inadequacy Marriage
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