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435 Humorist Quotes

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Pity The meek Shall inherit The earth
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When you can't have anything else, you can have virtue.

Have anything Have virtue
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Science has always been too dignified to invent a good back scratcher.

Science Too dignified To invent Good back scractcher
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Many a man who falls in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.

Man Love Mistake Marrying
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Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.

Character What Lost Everything
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Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

Anger Feeling Work Mind
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The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

Girl Future Man Past
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Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

Housework Woman Nobody Notices
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Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.
Success Fortune Aspiration Inspiration
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All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow

Work Play Makes Boy
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We can't do much about the length of our lives, but we can do plenty about it's width and depth.

We Lives Plenty Depth
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Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.

Nothing Ages Sight New
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You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.

You Fully Wear Smile
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A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.

Husband Like Fire He
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The best time to give advice to your children is while they're still young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

Time Advice Children Young
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A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.

Reveals Man Character Name
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When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.

You Mark World Watch out
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Man is the control experiment of heredity and environment; and since his heredity controls him, he tries to control his environment.

Man Control Heredity Environment
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Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry -- and the world laughs harder.

Laugh World You Cry
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If you want to know how little your dignity is worth, take it to the pawnbroker.

You Want Dignity Worth
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Life is a battle of wits, and many people have to fight it unarmed.

Life Battle People Fight
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The disadvantage of becoming wise is that you realize how foolish you've been.

Diadvantage Wise You Foolish
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It's surprising how much wisdom every man possesses -- if not for his own affairs, then for the affairs of others.

Surprising Wisdom Man Affairs
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There's only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living.

Thing Worse Live Work
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There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.

Kinds Leaders Interested Flock
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The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.

Time Lazy Man Succeeds
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The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.

Lazy Man Claims Work
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Everything comes to him who waits -- if he waits till it comes.

Everything Comes Waits
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Ego: The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment.

Ego Thing Growing Nourishment
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Admiration: Our feeling of delight that another person resembles us.

Admiration Feeling Delight Person
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Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.

Life Game Played We
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It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.

Policy Truth Good Liar
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Such is life; and we are but as grass that is cut down, and put into the oven and baked.

Life Down Oven Baked
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Nature was beautiful, even in her tears

Nature Beautiful Tears
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There is no pathos in real misery, no luxury in real grief.

Real Misery Luxury Grief
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We must not think of the things we could do with, but only of the things that we can’t do without.

We Think Things Without
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A boy's love comes from a full heart; a man's is more often the result of a full stomach.

Love Heart Man's Result
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It seems to be the rule of this world. Each person has what he doesn’t want, and other people have what he does want

Rule World Person Want
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Idleness, like kisses, to be sweet must be stolen.

Idleness Kisses Sweet Stolen
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But who wants to be foretold the weather? It is bad enough when it comes, without our having the misery of knowing about it beforehand.

Foretold Weather Enough Misery
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It is so pleasant to come across people more stupid than ourselves. We love them at once for being so.

Pleasant People Stupid Love
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Life is a thing to be lived, not spent; to be faced, not ordered. Life is not a game of chess, the victory to the most knowing; it is a game of cards, one's hand by skill to be made the best of.

Life Game Victory Skill
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What the eye does not see, the stomach does not get upset over

What Eyes Stomach Upset
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Being poor is a mere trifle. It is being known to be poor that is the sting.

Poor Trifle Known Sting
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Speak truth, and right will take care of itself.

Speak Truth Right Care
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Let us play the game of life as sportsmen, pocketing our winnings with a smile, leaving our losings with a shrug

Play Game Life Winnings
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It is in the petty details, not in the great results, that the interest of existence lies.

Petty Details Results Existence
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Affection will burn cheerily when the white flame of love is flickered out. Affection is a fire that can be fed from day to day and be piled up ever higher as the wintry years draw nigh.

Affection Burn Flame Love
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There are a lot of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

People Mistake Imagination Memory
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If there was no faith there would be no living in this world.

Faith Living World
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