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435 Humorist Quotes

This is peculiarly an age in which each of us may, if he do but search diligently, find the literature suited to his mental powers.

Peculiarly Age May Search
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Every author really wants to have letters printed in the paper. Unable to make the grade, he drops down a rung of the ladder and writes novels.

Author Really Letters Printed
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One prefers, of course, on all occasions to be stainless and above reproach, but, failing that, the next best thing is unquestionably to have got rid of the body.

Prefers Occasion Stainless Reproach
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No one to talk with, all by myself. No one to walk with, but I'm happy on the shel

Talk Myself Happy
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If you've got to take it. Take it easy. Never hurry to a date. Eat your supper; let 'em wait.

Take-it Easy Hurry Date
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If you don't know what it is, don't mess with it
You Know Mess
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I love you, yes I do, I love you. If you break my heart I'll die. So be sure it's true when you say I love you It's a sin to tell a lie.

Love You Break Heart
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Be sure it's true when you say I love you. It's a sin to tell a lie. Millions of heart have been broken. Just because these words were spoken.

Sure Love Millions Heart
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This heart of mine could never see what everybody knew but me

Heart See What Me
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Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car

Anyone Sitting Church Christian
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Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Cats Teach us Nature Purpose
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A book is a gift you can open again and again.
Book Gift Open Again
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Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

Nothing Do Child Wasted
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I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Believe Looking reality Eye
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When in doubt, look intelligent.

When In doubt Look intelligent
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Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

Thank you Good life Forgive us
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You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

Get old Realize No answers
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One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

Read books Privilege Life
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A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

Young writer Allusive Ethereal Reflective
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God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

God Write Comedy Bad actors
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It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Shallow life Person Few scars
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Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

Some luck Wanted Once you
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Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.
Life unjust Beautiful Be brave Hold
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Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Intelligence Allows you Get stuck
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Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

Sex Good Fresh Sweet corn
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I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

Seen Truth Sense
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Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.
Be well Good work In touch
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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Nice things Funerals Sad Miss mine
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It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

Sin Believe Evil Mistake
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Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Time Elephantine vanity Look far Campfires
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Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk.
Quiet place Heart Rainbow Possibility
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If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Live today Last Rocket Fire
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We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
Come from People Believe Life
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When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.

Wage war Public school Attacking Community together
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The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose
Highlight Childhood Brother laugh Food
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Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head.

Beauty Worth thinking Mind Haircut
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Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

Sometimes Reality Eye
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It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

Important Survival Children Own experiences
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Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

Some people Love Fellow man Light anesthetic
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I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Afraid Deceased Gotten engrossed Book
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He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.

Admired Never being Loss Words
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Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?

Marrying Sex Free peanuts
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I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved.

Taken So many Turns Careless
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The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Gospel Meant Comfort Afflicted
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A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Good newspaper Lousy Joy forever
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Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

Computers Replace humans Capable
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The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.
Rich Afford Progressive Poor people
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Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.

Never say Bad Man Walked
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Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

Hurry up Work Life Today
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My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

My God Praise People Busy
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