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2431 Comedian Quotes

If you give people a chance, they shine.

Give people Chance They shine
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage Wonderful invention Bicycle Repair kit
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?

Who discovered Get milk From cows Think
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I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

Pale blue Takes me Week Sunbathing
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Your mother Never Tell you Drink
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I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra.I'm never likely to go there.

Should have Learn Never Go there
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

It seems Islam Christianity Judaism
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Whenever I wear something expensive it looks stolen.

Whenever Wear something Expensive Look stolen
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I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Think Child Been successful Being able
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Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Laughter Us distance Step back An event
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All I can say about life is, 'Oh God, enjoy it

Can say Life God Enjoy it
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I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

One reason Successful marriage Laughter
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The problem is that we live in an uptight country. Why don't we just laugh at ourselves? We are funny. Gays are funny. Straights are funny. Women are funny. Men are funny. We are all funny, and we all do funny things. Let's laugh about it

The problem We live Uptight country Just laugh
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But I really believe that if you have the ability, there is an obligation to make people laugh

Really believe Ability Obligation Make people
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The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

First time In front Audience Abject terror
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The only way to survive is to have a sense of humor.

Only way Survive Have Sense
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I love portraying the totally indifferent person.

Love Portraying Indifferent person
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I've been married forty-five years. I think laughter is the secret.

Been married I think Laughter Secret
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People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail.

People Humor Less egocentric Realistic
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All comedians are, in a way, anarchists. Our job is to make fun of the existing world.

All comedians Job Fun Existing world
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I think there's a part, just a part of comedians, that is still childlike.

A part Comedians Still childlike
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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Bank Place Lend you Money
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If you haven't got any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.

Any charity Your heart Have The worst
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My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

My idea Old fashioned Loving others Have
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I do benefits for all religions - I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

Benefits All religions Hate Technicality
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I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
Always been Right place Time Steered
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

Feel old Anything Time My nap
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I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Laugh Can do Transform Unbearable tears
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People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

People Throw kisses Hopelessly lazy
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You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

You never Get tired Stop Take time
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I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

Play golf Shoot My age Weight instead
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Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

It fun The course Lie Sun
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Middle age is when you still believe you'll feel better in the morning.

Middle age Still believe Feel better Morning
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So the experts think we could have an AIDS-free generation in Africa by 2015, even if the mothers are positive.

Expert think Have Free generation Mothers
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I have no regrets in my life even the crazy things I've been in. It all made me the I am today and I wouldn't change anything. I'm happy with who I am!

Have No regrets My life Crazy things
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Be who you like as long as you mean it.

Be who You like Mean it
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It is not hard to feel like an outsider. I think we have all felt like that at one time or another.

Not hard Feel Outsider One time
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I think people deny themselves by putting themselves into categories

People Deny themselves Putting Categories
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My mum always told me I was precious, while my dad always told me I was worthless. I think that's a good grounding for a balanced life.

My mum Always told Was precious Worthless
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I had to be a grown-up when I should have been a little boy, and now that I'm a grown-up my little-boyness has exploded out of me. I've lived my life backwards

Grown up Little boy Exploded out Life backwards
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Sometimes people do you a favor when they drop out of your life.

Sometime People Do you Favor
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Finally, the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable.

Scariest thing Abuse Shape My opinion
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It's actually quite a good ethos for life: go into the unknown with truth, commitment, and openness and mostly you'll be okay.

Good ethos Life Unknown With truth
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Kids are more genuine. When they come up and want to talk to you, they don't have an agenda. It's more endearing and less piercing to your aura.

Kids Genuine Come up Talk
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I don't feel I'm a compulsive person. I multitask. I'm really well-organised, and I have lots of people to help me.

Compulsive person Multitask Well organised D
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Once in a while it's good to challenge yourself in a way that's really daunting.

Good Challenge Yourself Really daunting
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There's a part of every person that is entertained by the idealistic, the fantastic.

A part Every person Entertained Idealistic
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Pop culture is great, but it can be bad, at times.

Culture Great Be bad At times
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You know, it's about getting out there and having a good time. Not about worrying.

Getting out Having Good time About worrying
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I'm the kindest, most supportive friend ever, probably to my own detriment, but I hope that I am toughening up a little bit.

The kindest Most supportive Friend Own detriment
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