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2431 Comedian Quotes

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

Never comment Woman's Rear end Large
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The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

The ego Kid Basement Best
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Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.
Men Do things Women Don't want
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When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

Somebody Tells you Very smart Saying exactly
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Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

Men Are liars Algebra liar Good lies
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The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

World's mean Place Unfair Hateful
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I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

Understand Socialism Democracy Combine
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Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

You work Animals More humanity
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You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

What people Really like Under Stress
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I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

Sad Adults Be children Who want
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My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

My comedy Not mine Gift Smart
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They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.
Go around Once Muscle car You can
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As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

Tell you History depends Your point
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All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

All men Think Alone Real man
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Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

Kids Learn Example Respect mom
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There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.
Greater feeling Groom turns See His bride
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I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

Very Bad student Great leaner
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If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

Broke Can probably Fix it
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To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Man's attention Stand Front Don't move
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A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

Guy knows In love Loses interest His car
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If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

Don't decide You're going Life.for you
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I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

Irrational fear Go back Losing My father
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For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

For years Like This idea God
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Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Women Have choices Married Job
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In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

Marriage Compromise Nurtures Relationship
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Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Women Like cars Ferrari End up
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My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

Only reason Men Alive Lawn care
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It doesn't matter if a million people tell you what you can't do, or if ten million tell you no. If you get one yes from God that's all you need.

Matter Million people Tell you Can't do
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You can get a thousand no's from people, and only one "yes" from God.

Yon can Get thousand No's From people
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Once you're truly happy with yourself alone, that's when you are safe to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with.
Truly happy Yourself alone Safe Right person
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Don't let people change who you are just be who you are with someone else.

Let people Change Who You are
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People always try to do the right thing..after they've tried everything else.

People Always Right thing Tried
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You can't build your life around hurts from the past

You can't Build Your life Around hurts
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You can,t make yourself happy by causing other peoples misery

Make Yourself happy Causing Other peoples
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It's not an easy journey, to get to a place where you forgive people. But it is such a powerful place, because it frees you.

Easy journey Place Forgive people Powerful place
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Don't wait for someone to green light your project, build your own intersection.

Don't wait Someone Green light Your project
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While the most dangerous person in the world is a person with nothing to lose, the most powerful person in the world is a person with nothing to prove.

Most dangerous Person World Nothing
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Fear is a spirit that really can stop you from living.

Fear Spirit Can stop You
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What I have learned in this life is you can never be ashamed of where you come from.

Have learned This life Never Ashamed
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God will prepare a table before you in the presence of your enemies so let them watch you eat.

God Will prepare Table Before you
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I thank God for Closed Doors

Thank God Closed doors
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You can never be upset with the people who forced you into your dream or up higher.

You can Never Be upset People
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We didn't have much, but we had love.
Have much Had love
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Don't try to be seen, God may be hiding you on purpose.

Don't try Be seen God Hiding you
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If you lie to yourself you will lie to God too.

You lie Yourself God too
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What rings true is that everything we go through in life will work out for our good.
Rings true Everything Go through In life
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You give away your power when you don't forgive.

Give away Power Don't forgive
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A mother's love is stronger than distance, more powerful than time and can transcend the grave

Mother's love Stronger More powerful Time
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There will be rough nights but joy really does come in the morning.
Rough night Joy Does come The morning
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True love can come more than once.

True love Come Than once
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