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" Quotes and Sayings About on

I met Nelson Mandela, and I really didn't know what to say. It was years ago at a benefit. I was just in awe of this man because of what he'd done.

Awe Because Benefit Done
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I write on big yellow legal pads - ideas in outline form when I'm doing stand-up and stuff. It's vivid that way. I can't type it into an iPad - I think that would put a filter into the process.

Big Doing Filter Form
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Being Everyone Hates He
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Could Guys Hear Laughing
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With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Best Birthday Ever Get
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Acting Actor Acts Deals
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Cheats Good Good-Looking Goodness
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Apart Dinner Doing Everything
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To love one that is great, is almost to be great one's self.

Almost Great Love Self
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The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.
Days Laughter Most Wasted
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Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit.

Any Believe Curiosity Delight
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I imagine that yes is the only living thing.

Imagine Living Living Thing Only
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The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.

Wonderful World Is Mud
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Man alone is born crying, lives complaining, and dies disappointed

Alone Born Complaining Crying
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Knowledge is a polite word for dead but not buried imagination.

Buried Dead Imagination Knowledge
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Life is not long, and too much of it must not pass in idle deliberation how it shall be spent.

Deliberation How Idle Life
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A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.

Autumn Away Blown I Think
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When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.

Afford He Life London
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I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance.

Bird Dance How Learn
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To destroy is always the first step in any creation.
Always Any Creation Destroy
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Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.

Any Else Love Makes
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Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.

Always Answer Ask Beautiful
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A politician is an arse upon which everyone has sat except a man.
Arse Everyone Except Man
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

Attacked Being Controlled Girl
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Fat Found Hang Look
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Always Day Did Eye
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A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Come Day Girl Home
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Get Honest Luck No Respect
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Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.

Before Dared Darkness Deep
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Arm Bone Dog Favorite
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I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.
Became Horrible Insane Intervals
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One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Asked Birth Birth Control Boy
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The reason that there are so few good books written is that so few people who write know anything.

Write Reason Good Books
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Halloween Kids Like Looking
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They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night.

Cognizant Day Dream Escape
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Stupidity is a talent for misconception.

Misconception A Stupidity Talent
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My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Chair Dying Electric He
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All religion, my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry.

Evolved Fear Fraud Friend
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Fed Friend Liked Me
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The rudiment of verse may, possibly, be found in the spondee.

Found May Possibly Verse
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The ninety and nine are with dreams, content but the hope of the world made new, is the hundredth man who is grimly bent on making those dreams come true.

Bent Come Content Dreams
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I need scarcely observe that a poem deserves its title only inasmuch as it excites, by elevating the soul. The value of the poem is in the ratio of this elevating excitement.

Deserves Excitement Excites Need
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Again Boyfriend Broke Her
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The two offices of memory are collection and distribution.

Collection Distribution Memory Offices
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Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary.

Dreary Midnight Once Weak
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Dog Drink Glass Kisses
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I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Coming Drinking Going Juice
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I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty.
Beauty Brief Creation Define
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I have great faith in fools; self-confidence my friends call it.

Call Faith Fools Friends
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It is by no means an irrational fancy that, in a future existence, we shall look upon what we think our present existence, as a dream.

Dream Existence Fancy Future
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