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" Quotes and Sayings About me

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Argument Considered Got Long
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Busted Five Get Got
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I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Anything Buy General Me
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I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Above Apartment Furious Live
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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Afraid Heights Lot Me
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I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Buying Clothes Escalator Girl
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There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

People Power Store Trapped
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My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Makes Meant Friend Noises
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Volume depends precisely on the writer's having been able to sit in a room every day, year after year, alone.

Able After Alone Been
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Making social comment is an artificial place for an artist to start from. If an artist is touched by some social condition, what the artist creates will reflect that, but you can't force it.

Artificial Artist Comment Condition
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What is the most beautiful in virile men is something feminine; what is most beautiful in feminine women is something masculine.

Beautiful Feminine Masculine Men
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The camera makes everyone a tourist in other people's reality, and eventually in one's own

Camera Eventually Everyone Makes
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Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best, reformed or potential lunatics.

Actively Best Lunatics Mad
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In America, the photographer is not simply the person who records the past, but the one who invents it

America Past Person Photographer
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If we are not ashamed to think it, we should not be ashamed to say it.

Ashamed Say Should Think
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To take a photograph is to participate in another person's mortality, vulnerability, mutability. Precisely by slicing out this moment and freezing it, all photographs testify to time's relentless melt.

Another Freezing Melt Moment
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A fiction about soft or easy deaths is part of the mythology of most diseases that are not considered shameful or demeaning.

About Considered Deaths Demeaning
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Any critic is entitled to wrong judgments, of course. But certain lapses of judgment indicate the radical failure of an entire sensibility.

Certain Course Critic Entire
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Depression is melancholy minus its charms - the animation, the fits.

Animation Charms Depression Melancholy
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Any important disease whose causality is murky, and for which treatment is ineffectual, tends to be awash in significance.

Any Disease Important Significance
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The love of the famous, like all strong passions, is quite abstract. Its intensity can be measured mathematically, and it is independent of persons.

Abstract Famous Independent Intensity
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The past itself, as historical change continues to accelerate, has become the most surreal of subjects - making it possible... to see a new beauty in what is vanishing.

Accelerate Beauty Become Change
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The aim of all commentary on art now should be to make works of art - and, by analogy, our own experience - more, rather than less, real to us. The function of criticism should be to show how it is what it is, even that it is what it is, rather than to show what it means.

Aim Analogy Art Commentary
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Lying is an elementary means of self-defense.

Elementary Lying Means Self
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My idea of a writer: someone interested in everything.

Ideas Intelligence Kind Really
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Existence is no more than the precarious attainment of relevance in an intensely mobile flux of past, present, and future.

Attainment Existence Flux Future
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If a small thing has the power to make you angry, does that not indicate something about your size?

About Angry Does Indicate
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The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that men will begin to think like computers.

Danger Computer Men Think
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The beauty of 'spacing' children many years apart lies in the fact that parents have time to learn the mistakes that were made with the older ones - which permits them to make exactly the opposite mistakes with the younger ones.

Apart Beauty Children Exactly
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Nothing is as easy to make as a promise this winter to do something next summer; this is how commencement speakers are caught.

Caught Commencement Easy How
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Men make counterfeit money; in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men.

Cases Counterfeit Makes Many
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The three hardest tasks in the world are neither physical feats nor intellectual achievements, but moral acts: to return love for hate, to include the excluded, and to say, 'I was wrong'.

Achievements Acts Excluded Feats
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The most important thing in an argument, next to being right, is to leave an escape hatch for your opponent, so that he can gracefully swing over to your side without too much apparent loss of face.

Apparent Argument Being Escape
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When we have 'second thoughts' about something, our first thoughts don't seem like thoughts at all - just feelings.

About Feelings First Just
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Somebody who never got over the embarrassing fact that he was born in bed with a lady.

Bed Born Embarrassing Fact
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Middle Age is that perplexing time of life when we hear two voices calling us, one saying, 'Why not?' and the other, 'Why bother?'

Age Bother Calling Hear
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When you run into someone who is disagreeable to others, you may be sure he is uncomfortable with himself; the amount of pain we inflict upon others is directly proportional to the amount we feel within us

Amount Directly Disagreeable Feel
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The decisive means for politics is violence.

Decisive Means Politics Violence
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Opportunity knocks at every man's door once. On some men's door it hammers till it breaks down the door and then it goes in and wakes him up if he's asleep, and ever afterward it works for him as a night watchman.

Ever Men's Once Door
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Remember, only what you give can God multiply back. If you give nothing, and even if God were to multiply it, it would still be nothing!

Remember Give Multiply Nothing
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Your faith begins to move, to act, when the power of God supernaturally empties you of doubt and fills you with a knowing. You come into a state of knowing that you know that you know. In that instant you cannot doubt.

Instant Begins Empties Faith
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Faith is not something you have to get. It's something that you, as a bornagain child of God, already have. Act on it by releasing it to God. That's when your healing starts!

Already God Faith Something
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Something GOOD is going to happen to you today.
Something Good Happen Today
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Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

Politics Entertainment Industry Brach
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Anybody who wants religion is welcome to it, as far as I'm concerned--I support your right to enjoy it. However, I would appreciate it if you exhibited more respect for the rights of those people who do not wish to share your dogma, rapture, or necrodestination.

Enjoy Religion Share Rapture
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You can bet everything will come to an end. It's going to be ugly and it's going to be a mess, and it's going to be something that somebody did in the name of God.

God Mess End Ugly
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Without music to decorate it, time is just a bunch of boring production deadlines or dates by which bills must be paid.

Music Boring Production Dates
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Success is not measured by what you accomplish, but by the opposition you have encountered, and the courage with which you have maintained the struggle against overwhelming odds.

Success Measured Accomplish Opposition
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There is no medicine like hope, no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful as expectation of something tomorrow.

Medicine Hope Incentive Great
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It has never mattered to me that thirty million people might think I'm wrong. The number of people who thought Hitler was right did not make him right... Why do you necessarily have to be wrong just because a few million people think you are?

Mattered People Wrong Right
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