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126 Magician Quotes

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

America Day Every Every Day
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Do your kids a favor - don't have any.

Any Favor Kids Your
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
Air Lungs Much Now
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Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Down Know Place Politicians
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Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Cards Credit Credit Cards Father
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Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success

Failure Success Think
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I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.

Always Back Children Everywhere
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Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.

Children Hand Leaves Never
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To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Blame Computer Err Even
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Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.

Delivered Keep Like Most
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Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Eat Food Get Health
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Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings

Inflation Savings Your
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More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

American Auto Back Before
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Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.

Arrangement Every Feet Filled
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Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
Bringing Democracy First First Time
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Quit worrying about your health. It will go away.

About Away Go Go Away
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Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.

Alien Always Any Ask
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What bothers me about TV is that it tends to take our minds off our minds

About Bothers Me Minds
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Spring is God's way of saying, 'One more time!'

God More Saying Spring
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A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in

All Day Day Having Nothing
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Planned obsolescence is not really a new concept. God used it with people

Concept God New Obsolescence
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There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers

Days Got Just Keep
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With my luck, if I ever invested in General Motors, they'd bust it to Corporal!

Bust Corporal Ever General
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Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

Confusing First First Thing Girl
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I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.

Arms Best Best Part Card
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Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.

Against Countries Deep Deep Down
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In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.

Alternative Choices Crisis Fight
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I remember when humor was gentle pokes. I used to call it 'arm around the shoulder' humor. Now they go for the jugular and they take no prisoners. It's mean, mean stuff.

Arm Around Call Gentle
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Humor starts like a wildfire, but then continues on, smoldering, smoldering for years.

Humor Like Starts Then
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The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.

Chance Good Guy Miss
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The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.
Ahead Comedy Get Going
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Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.

Big Desk Happiness Small
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Telling a joke is risk taking. Younger people are more insecure and not willing to put themselves on the line, so a quick one-liner is much safer.

Insecure Joke Line More
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President Ford used humor a great deal.

Deal Ford Great Great Deal
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I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.

A poet My lies The way My mother
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One would go mad if one took the Bible seriously; but to take it seriously one must be already mad.

Go mad One took Bible seriously
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My own plan is to swear off every kind of virtue, so that I triumph even when I fall!

Own plan Swear off Every kind Virtue
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I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening; I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.

I slept With faith Drank Danced
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The sin which is unpardonable is knowingly and willfully to reject truth, to fear knowledge lest that knowledge pander not to thy prejudices.

The sin Unpardonable Knowingly Willfully
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Magick is the science and art of causing change to occur in conformity with will.

Science Art Causing change Conformity
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Science is always discovering odd scraps of magical wisdom and making a tremendous fuss about its cleverness.

Science Always discovering Odd scraps Magical wisdom
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I hardly ever talk- words seem such a waste, and they are none of them true. No one has yet invented a language from my point of view.

Ever talk Words seems Waste Them true
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I've written this to keep from crying. But I am crying, only the tears won't come.

Keep From crying The tears Won't come
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The Way of Mastery is to break all the rules—but you have to know them perfectly before you can do this; otherwise you are not in a position to transcend them.

The way Mastery Break all The rules
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It is the mark of the mind untrained to take its own processes as valid for all men, and its own judgments for absolute truth.

The mark Mind untrained Own processes All men
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Happiness lies within one's self, and the way to dig it out is cocaine.

Happiness lies One's self The way Dig it
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Modern morality and manners suppress all natural instincts, keep people ignorant of the facts of nature and make them fighting drunk on bogey tales.

Modern morality Manners Natural instincts Keep people
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We must conquer life by living it to the full, and then we can go to meet death with a certain prestige.
Conquer life Living it The full Meet death
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I was not content to believe in a personal devil and serve him, in the ordinary sense of the word. I wanted to get hold of him personally and become his chief of staff.

Content Believe Personal devil Serve him
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The most delicious sensation of all is the re-birth of healthy human love. Spring coming back to Earth!

Delicious sensation Re-birth Human love Spring
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